Illustration by Rebecca Lyon

"I felt like I was her project," a disgruntled disciple confessed to me. Her discipler, a good friend of mine, seemed sincere in her desire to help this young believer grow. I wondered what had happened.

In 1 Cor. 3:9–10, the Apostle Paul referred to those he labored among as "God's building" and then called himself an "expert builder" in their lives. But how do we build into someone's life without making her feel like a project? Here are five practical ways we can communicate genuine love for those we are helping to grow in Christ.

Ask and listen.

Proverbs 18:13 tells us, "He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame." How can we truly help people without first knowing their needs? And how can we know their needs if we are doing all the talking?

The first thing we must do is to ask a few questions. I like to begin with some broad questions about a person's life. These create opportunities for him to share what he's thinking. Here are a few questions that may lead you into deeper conversations. Though they may seem basic, they demonstrate that we're concerned with all of someone's life, not just the "spiritual" aspects.

•How is your family doing?

•How are things going on the job?

•What has God been teaching you lately?

•How are you really doing?

•Are there particular areas in which you're struggling right now?

Then comes the hard part for some of us: sitting back and listening. Let them do the talking. Listen without making judgmental statements such as, "You shouldn't do that," or, "Do it this way." Ask clarifying questions if you need to, but give them your listening ear. Resist the urge to offer counsel or attempt to solve problems.

A few years ago I met regularly with a friend who had a hard time asking questions and listening. He tended to dominate conversations and jump very quickly from one topic to another. As we talked about his desire to help other men, he realized he needed to become a better listener. Today my friend is making a conscious effort to temper his talking by asking questions and listening, and he is becoming a more effective discipler.

If we don't ask questions and listen, we will be shallow disciplers. But when we do these two simple things, God opens doors to minister in deeper, more relevant ways.

Be flexible.

It's good to have a plan to help another person grow spiritually. But we need to remember that a plan is just that—a plan. Sometimes we have to put our plan aside to address matters of immediate importance in our friend's life.

Years ago a man named Jerry discipled me as a young Christian. One Saturday morning I walked into our weekly one-to-one meeting at Denny's restaurant feeling pretty low. Another young man I was discipling had criticized me that week for some of my failures. Jerry put aside his plans for that morning and listened attentively to my story. Then he affirmed me, saying I had done my best to be a good friend to the man I was discipling. Because of Jerry's flexibility, I walked out of that restaurant a wounded but healing soldier. His willingness to shelve his plan, to listen to my problem, and to encourage me helped me press on.

In discipling, we may create plans to help others grow. But we must never try to force people to conform to our goals at the expense of their hurts and questions. In short, a plan is made for the person, not a person for the plan. We must have the flexibility to let go of our agenda to address a pressing need in someone's life. This will breathe genuine love into our relationship with the person we are helping.

Be transparent.

Have you ever met a Christian who had it all together? I haven't either. Why, then, should we give the person we are helping the impression we are perfect? Even the Apostle Paul honestly wrote about his own struggle with sin: "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:24).

To help someone else walk with God, we must be transparent with our lives. This doesn't mean we reveal every detail. But it does mean we need to be honest about our struggles and failures. Being transparent accomplishes two things. First, it assures a young believer he is not alone in his struggle with sin. Second, it points him to Jesus Christ, the only one who can truly forgive and empower us to overcome our weaknesses.

Many of us have addictions we need to deal with. For some, it might be drugs, alcohol, or even food. For me, it's sports. The thrill of competition compels me to spend hours in front of the television watching athletes swat balls, shoot baskets, and bash bodies. One day I acknowledged my struggle to a man from church with whom I met regularly. After I finished talking, my friend looked me straight in the eyes. "I've got the same problem," he admitted. "And I don't want it anymore." We drew up a plan of action to work on our common struggle and decided to hold each other accountable.

Through our transparency, we empower those we're helping to be honest about their own struggles with sin.

Practice mutuality.

One misconception about discipling relationships is that the discipler does all the teaching and the disciple does all the learning. But someone with this top-down attitude will pour cold water into a relationship. Although one person may have more spiritual experience and maturity than the other, God wants both people to learn from one another. A sense of mutuality undergirds a healthy discipling relationship, a feeling that says, "We're in this together, learning from one another, spurring each other on in the Lord."

The Apostle Paul faithfully poured his life and teaching into many people, and he called them to follow his example. But he never set himself above them. In 1 Cor. 11:1, Paul urged the Corinthian believers to "follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." Rather than talking down to other believers, Paul called them to join him in his lifelong pursuit of Jesus.

Remember my friend who had a hard time listening? He was a wonderful encourager and faithful friend. Many times I left our lunch appointments energized by his friendship and sincere words of gratitude.

Through an attitude of mutuality in our discipling relationships, God will sharpen us and those we seek to help, just as Solomon described: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17).

Give grace.

When I was a college student, my smallgroup leader had a rule: If you came with your Bible study unfinished, you had to go to another room and complete it while the rest of the group participated in the discussion. During one particularly busy week, I arrived with my Bible study unfinished. I felt I was doing well just to be there. But my group leader thought differently. He refused to listen to my explanation and sent me out of the room feeling humiliated.

Looking back, I can see that my Bible study leader was trying to help me grow in faithfulness. But his "tough love" approach was not what I needed that morning. I had lacked time, not desire or discipline. What I really needed was an extension of grace that said, "You did your best. I understand."

In a discipling relationship, giving grace to others is vitally important. We all fail at some point and need to experience God's restorative touch through His people. When we extend grace to others, we emulate the Father, who "longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion" (Isaiah 30:18). We have all failed to meet His standard of perfection, yet He is so willing to forgive us.

God has showered each of us with abundant grace, mercy, and compassion. As disciplers, we should reflect the same mercy and grace. God is not standing over us with a big stick waiting to whack us when we make a mistake. Neither should we as disciplers be quick to correct those we disciple the moment they slip up. At times correction will be necessary. But any discipline should be cushioned by generous doses of God's grace and love.

The sum is love.

Treating each person we disciple with God's caring, tender love is the key to life-changing discipleship. By God's grace, those we're helping won't see themselves as our "projects" but as precious "buildings of God" being built for His glory.

Doug Wendel is a Navigator staff representative working with international students at the University of Oklahoma in Norman.