Illustration by Frank Renlie

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life were trouble free? But we all know it isn't! You will face difficulties in leading your small group. Being prepared to handle the problems by having a strategy is an important part of leading your group.

Typical Problems

Good planning and preparation will fend off many problems before they arise. But even the best planning cannot account for every difficult situation. Therefore, knowing what conflicts commonly arise in groups is useful in preparing an adequate response. In my experience, most of the conflicts or difficulties groups face fit into one of five general areas.

Expectations. Group members come together expecting certain things to happen. Most members bring ideas about what the purpose of the group is, what the group does, how they'll profit from being a member, and the demands the group will place on them.

Participation patterns. As unique individuals, group members will demonstrate various verbal and nonverbal behavior patterns. Quiet members may say little because they are intimidated by a highly verbal member. One person may dominate group discussions. Another jokes about everything. Then there is the academic member who questions everyone's statements from a philosophical perspective. These examples could go on and on.

Meeting formats. "I think we should have a Bible study." "No, we should spend our time praying for one another." "Let's not meet this week but go to the football game instead." "I don't care what they said we should do, I think we need to . . ." Comments such as these reflect disagreement over the group's agenda.

Leadership skills. Some problems arise because we lack leadership skills or stumble in applying those we do have. We may come on too strong at the wrong time or not strongly enough. Conflict between members may cause serious problems because the leader allows the problem to fester rather than dealing with it. A wide range of conflicts can arise when the leader fails to lead.

Administrative details. "I thought you were going to do that!" "What time is the meeting?" "Whose house is the meeting at tonight?" These questions all reflect administrative problems.

A Strategic Approach

Realistically speaking, you'll likely encounter some problems. Therefore, you need to have a plan to resolve them. Here's a four-step strategy you may find helpful.

Step One: Recognition. Words such as "I sense you are upset, Tom" or "We need to deal with this difference of opinion" signal that the person speaking has recognized a problem and is assisting the group members to acknowledge the difficulty. Problems cannot be dealt with until they are recognized. Sweeping conflict under the carpet doesn't work.

Step Two: Personalization. The second step aims to put people at ease, not to place blame on someone. Conflict frequently raises people's temperatures. It is easy to lose control and attack personalities rather than the problem or disagreement. Help everyone understand that problem solving is natural and needed. The goal is to help the group profit from the experience.

Step Three: Clarification. Clarify the exact nature of the problem, and pursue the potential solutions. Defining the problem can be quick or quite complicated. At times the problem isn't what you see, hear, or think it is. The real difficulty is beyond your ability to identify and address without special assistance. But assuming that in most cases your assessment of the problem is correct, what are the acceptable alternatives?

Step Four: Resolution. The final step is to select the best alternative and put it into action.

Problem solving is easier said than done. Why? Because dealing with problems is dealing with people, and people don't always fit into nice four-step strategies. Nevertheless, with ample care and sensitivity this sequence of steps can serve you well.

In those extreme cases when a member is unwilling to cooperate with the group's attempts at problem solving, you'll need to deal with that person outside of the group. In a really rare case, you may find it necessary to ask the person to withdraw from the group.

Don't be shy in seeking outside help if you cannot solve the problem within the group. I suggest you contact your pastor or small-group ministry leader. Sometimes bringing in someone from outside the group provides a remedy that was elusive up to that point. Whatever method or approach you use to deal with difficulties, be sure to involve the members of your group. And remember, lack of clarity and lack of charity do the most to hinder the success of a small group.

Illustration by Frank Renlie

Problem People

Earlier we discussed five typical problem areas and mentioned that most were actually people problems. One of the people problems you must deal with is people's expectations for the group. Meet some folks I have run into and you're likely to encounter, if you haven't done so already. Their expectations are legitimate but taken to extremes.

Social Sidney. Sid is the life of the party. He wants to lighten up the sessions and have some fun. Sid views the group as an opportunity to be with people. It's a context to meet his need for social involvement—even though he may not consciously recognize that.

Academic Ann. Ann is an intellectual giant who takes great pleasure in digging into Scripture. Her expectations for the small group are not met unless Bible study is the primary activity. Every word in the biblical passage must be carefully analyzed. Interpreting the passage is her goal. But neither application nor the other members of the group interest her much.

Listener Larry. Not much of a talker, Larry just wants to listen to what the others have to say. Mentally, he is actively involved. On the rare occasion he does speak, Larry's comments usually are thoughtful and well stated. He wants other group members to accept his quiet participation and leave him alone. Larry is always the first to leave at the end of the meeting.

Holy Harry. Harry is so heavenly minded his fellow group members question his earthly value. He's quick with spiritual clichés and fast to spout biblical platitudes. Harry has no personal problems or struggles. His holier-than-thou attitude turns off other group members. Harry wants the group to focus on the heavenly and set aside the earthly.

Application Alice. "How does that apply to me?" is Alice's constant question. Spending too much time interpreting and understanding the passage doesn't please her. During Bible studies she wants to experience the text and draw out the application. For Alice, however, actually putting the application into practice isn't a big concern.

Philosopher Phil. Theology and philosophy are Phil's passions. He wants the group to focus on "heavy" issues. A good group, according to him, revolves around the leader who lectures on the intricacies of the biblical passage at hand. Group discussion is OK, but he prefers debating philosophical issues with the leader.

Counselor Carol. Carol sees the group sessions through the eyes of a counselor. She psychologizes every topic, every discussion. Group members are treated like clients in desperate need of her counsel.

Counselee Clara. Clara is Carol's counterpart. She wants the group to serve as a therapy session. She desperately yearns for the group to study biblical passages that may give her a solution to one of her many problems.

Preacher Patrick. Every group session is Patrick's pulpit. While not the official group leader, he dominates the discussion and tries to takes over. Patrick is well meaning but gets on the other members' nerves. He strongly admonishes group members because he was saved out of a wild background, and now he wants to shield his friends from the agony he experienced.

Forced Frank. Frank doesn't have any expectations because he doesn't even want to be there. He attends only because he feels forced to do so by a demanding spouse, a craving to be accepted, or some other person or situation. Frank just wants to be left alone.

Illustration by Frank Renlie

Managing Expectations

Different expectations and perspectives can cause friction among the members of your group. You must know about and be prepared to deal with these various expectations. Here are four methods to manage conflicting expectations.

First, talk about your expectations. Group members need open communication. At one of the first sessions of your group, you'd be wise to spend time talking about what each member expects from the experience. This is important because different expectations represent different needs. Not all needs can or should be met in one group. Help members evaluate their expectations in light of the purposes for which you are meeting.

Second, help group members formulate appropriate expectations. Clearly state the intended purposes for the group from the very beginning. This permits members to weigh their own expectations and make adjustments as necessary.

Third, periodically evaluate whether the group's expectations have changed with respect to the format, process, or topic. If most of the members express new expectations, it may be appropriate to add, replace, or modify intended purposes for the group.

Fourth, speak in private with individual group members. Frequently, group discussions on the topic of expectations and behavior won't produce satisfactory self-analysis. Some of us just aren't capable of evaluating our own motivations. As a result, you'll occasionally have a participant who continues to display unsuitable attitudes. Go to that person, in private, and talk it through. Typically the person is unaware of his or her behavior and is quick to make the appropriate corrections.

Are you ready?

I've thrown a lot of advice at you. Are you ready to deal with group problems? Let's see. Carefully read each of the following situations. Determine what you think the problem is and how you would handle it. Since these are examples based on my experience, there are no absolute right answers. However, to help you evaluate your responses, suggested responses follow.

1. During a lively group discussion you notice that the members are beginning to drift away from the topic you're supposed to be focusing on.

2. One group member has a tendency to speak for the whole group, saying things like "We all know that . . ." or "Nobody believes that . . ."

3. A group member asks a question, but the group moves on without considering it.

4. The group consists of 12 members, yet only 4 people take an active part in the discussion.

5. One member verbally attacks a suggestion given by another.

6. Two group members engage in a heated argument.

7. A certain group member is prone to answer all questions and comment on everything.

8. Two close friends always sit together and have numerous side discussions.

9. One person finds humor in any situation and loudly shares it with everyone.

10. The group cannot agree on the details of a proposed outing.

11. Regardless of the topic, this member turns the discussion to his problems.

12. The group is angry with a member who is constantly negative in her assessment of people's attitudes and contributions.

Possible Responses

As you have already noticed, these situations lack background and descriptive information that would help you determine appropriate responses if the cases were real. Nevertheless, here are some generic answers that suggest possible solutions. Do you agree?

Problem 1: Losing focus, drifting discussion. Politely intervene and point out the drifting tendency. Call the group back to the topic. Determine if the group wishes to change directions and pursue the new topic or schedule it for a future meeting.

Problem 2: Personal opinions projected as group opinions. Often a friendly reminder to speak only for oneself is sufficient.

Problem 3: Failure to recognize a member's contribution. Call the group back to the unresolved question. Seek an answer, or determine how and when an answer can be pursued. Affirm the questioner even though the question may not be appropriate.

Problem 4: Unbalanced participation. Here are two possible alternatives. Divide the group into smaller groups to discuss the issue, and then ask each subgroup to report to the whole group. Or conclude your question to the group by saying, "Let's hear from someone who hasn't commented yet."

Problem 5: Hostility toward someone's idea. Interrupt tactfully. Affirm the right to disagree. Remind both individuals of the participation standards you agreed upon at the outset of your group. Suggest whatever restitution is necessary to calm feelings.

Problem 6: Disagreement turns combative. Intervene using the four-step strategy for problem solving. If necessary, deal with the situation outside of the group meeting.

Problem 7: One member dominates group discussions. Talk with the person in private. Ask for his assistance in allowing others to participate. In extreme cases, while affirming the value of his participation, ask the person to consciously limit his verbal responses.

Problem 8: Members' lack of group etiquette. Redirect the two members' attention to the group activity. Ask them to share their insight with the whole group. If the behavior persists, talk with each of them outside of the group meetings.

Problem 9: Inappropriate timing and use of humor. Talk with the person in private. He may not realize the problem he's creating. You'll probably need to have more than one private discussion.

Problem 10: Disagreement over an activity. Look for a compromise solution. Compromise is legitimate when issues of choice are at stake but not in matters of doctrine. If a compromise cannot be reached, postpone the decision and look for alternatives.

Problem 11: Inappropriate expectations. Talk with the person outside of the group. Explore the possibility of securing professional counseling. Encourage the other group members to support this member outside the group meetings.

Problem 12: Conflict over personal behavior. Have the group gently confront the person with her behavior. Care must be exercised to avoid the appearance of attacking the member. Some type of interaction with the person outside the group meetings is likely.

A Problem Solver's Perspective

Finally, the prerequisite to any problem-solving strategy is a right attitude. When faced with a problem, your positive mental and emotional response is vital. Keep in mind and practice these words of the Apostle James:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

—James 1:2–5

This admonition isn't addressed to group leaders specifically, but the ideas certainly can be claimed by those of us who lead groups.

Let me point out three specific ideas from these verses. First, what should be my initial response to difficulties? James says "joy." Our joy is based on knowing God is in control of the situation, no matter how difficult it may seem. Second, the inevitable trials or problems associated with leading a group are important ingredients in our spiritual growth. Problems are one of the tools God uses to mold and shape our lives. And third, we can ask for God's wisdom in handling the problems our groups face, and it will be given to us.

Neal F. McBride is a vice president of a financial services firm in Omaha, Nebraska. This is an excerpt from Neal's book How to Lead Small Groups. © 1990 by Neal F. McBride. Reprinted by permission of NavPress Publishing Group, P.O. Box 35001, Colorado Springs, CO 80935. All rights reserved.