Illustration by Woodleigh Marx Hubbard

When I first went to college, I assumed everyone‘s childhoods were similar to mine. Surely everyone knew how to swim and paddle a canoe; surely everyone had hand-milked a cow.

How surprised I was to discover that it wasn‘t so! I felt both foolish and thankful: foolish at my naive presumption, thankful for my experience.

I felt the same after becoming a Christian. I assumed most new believers met with an older, wiser Christian to learn about following Jesus. After all, that was what I had done for four years. But when my husband and I moved to Philadelphia so he could attend seminary, I again discovered that I was mistaken. Even seminary students didn‘t have what I‘d been given! That‘s when I realized discipling was a gift I needed to give to others.

In the 20 years since, God has given me the opportunity to disciple many new and not-so-new believers with varying needs and availability. Each relationship has had its own character, joys, and challenges, but all have testified to what God can do when one believer invests in another.

What follows are case studies of those relationships. Some describe a single discipling experience almost exactly as it happened; others represent a composite of several relationships. (Names have been changed and details altered to protect the privacy of those involved.) I hope this glimpse into the experience of one imperfect, yet willing, discipler offers you a wider view of the ways discipling can be done.

Liz:

"I want to know more about my faith."

Method used: STUDY

Meeting type: Weekly 90-minute sessions

Meeting place: My dorm room or hers

Illustration by Woodleigh Marx Hubbard

Liz, a new believer and fellow college student, was the first woman I discipled. I had only been a believer for three years, but our campus ministry leaders thought I could help her with beginning questions. We designed our meetings around Liz‘s desire to learn more about basic Christianity. Though we sometimes touched on personal issues, we focused on a set curriculum. We used what I now call the STUDY method of discipling.

SET a weekly meeting time and an end date. Liz and I agreed to meet every Tuesday evening. To solidify our commitment, we set an ending date before we started (which also provided a clear way to finish if the relationship didn‘t work).

TALK to God at the beginning and end of each meeting. Because Liz was unfamiliar with—and initially uncomfortable about—praying aloud, I modeled prayer by opening and closing our first few sessions with a simple petition for God to be with us, teach us, and help us apply what we learned. As the semester progressed, I introduced Liz to word prayers and sentence prayers. Eventually my lone prayers of less than a minute gave way to 10-minute conversational prayers that bracketed our study.

USE curriculum. Because Liz hungered for foundational knowledge, we used the first three books of the Design for Discipleship series (NavPress), one of many excellent discipleship tools available today. Each week we both completed one chapter of the study guide, which we discussed later along with any additional questions Liz had.

DO your own homework. In addition to the week‘s chapter, I prepared for questions that might arise and provided historical background, biblical context, or cultural information that would help Liz. Though I tried to be thorough, I couldn‘t know everything; sometimes Liz asked questions I couldn‘t answer. I didn‘t hesitate to say, "I don‘t know, but I‘ll try to find out."

YIELD the results to God. Though I gave Liz biblical facts and doctrinal truth, I couldn‘t impact her heart; only God could mold and change her. I found great freedom and patience as I entrusted the results to Him.

My positive, though imperfect, experience with Liz set the stage for other one-to-one relationships. While Liz broadened her foundation, I learned discipling skills and gained confidence in God‘s ability to use me.

Sharon:

"I‘m grounded in the faith, but I want more depth."

Method used: GROW

Meeting type: Biweekly two-hour studies, monthly special outings, and a miniretreat

Meeting place: A small, private room at church for study; other locations varied

Illustration by Woodleigh Marx Hubbard

My investment in Sharon, an acquaintance from church, began when she asked me to disciple her. She wanted to deepen her walk with God, so we met twice a month to examine Bible-study methods and spiritual disciplines. Unlike Liz, Sharon didn‘t want to use a structured study guide. Instead we used a hodgepodge of Scripture and classic books such as Ole Hallesby‘s Prayer, Richard Foster‘s Celebration of Discipline, A. W. Tozer‘s The Pursuit of God, and Brother Lawrence‘s The Practice of the Presence of God. We learned to GROW together.

GUIDE your disciple to the tools and disciplines necessary for growth. Even though Sharon knew the basics, she didn‘t know about Bible-study methods, concordances, topical Bibles, commentaries, Bible dictionaries, and Christian classics. We spent our first week going over study tools, methods, and books that would enhance her personal study and then used them throughout our time together.

Sharon, however, needed more than books and study skills: She needed to experience Christ‘s presence. To help foster that awareness, we chose a "discipline of the week" (such as silence, solitude, meditation, worship, listening, surrender, or service) and practiced that discipline until our next meeting. Our nine months together culminated in a miniretreat (six hours one Saturday at a vacationing friend‘s empty home) where we could practice our newly learned disciplines with minimal distraction.

RELEASE your disciplee to grapple with God. I was tempted to respond to Sharon‘s every question with concise, tidy answers. In order to grow, however, she needed to wrestle with some questions on her own. Rather than defining surrender, for example, I asked Sharon what she thought it meant. I then encouraged her to do a biblical word study of surrender (including submit, yield, give, and offer). At our next meeting we discussed her discoveries. As Sharon sought answers from God (apart from me), her connection with Him grew.

OFFER practical tips. I encouraged Sharon to write Scripture verses on index cards and to leave them where she‘d see them. I taught her how to give her thoughts to God. I showed her how to pause for "meditation moments" throughout her day (for example, when the clock chimed, she could reflect on an attribute of God). I called attention to the ring I wear to remind me of God and gave her a similar ring when we parted ways. Sharon longed to know God‘s presence but often forgot He was there. She simply needed practical ways to remember Him.

WEAVE spiritual discussions into everyday life. In addition to our regular study times, each month Sharon and I spent an afternoon together. One month we took a hike to enjoy and worship God. Another month we attended a concert and discussed Christ, the arts, and what it means to honor Him with our entertainment choices. Several times we met just for coffee or breakfast. By spending recreational time together, we were able to discuss everyday challenges and broaden our sense of God‘s involvement in our world.

Helping Sharon discover a deeper relationship with God filled me with joy. I would have been delighted to keep meeting, but by the end of the year Sharon outgrew what I could give. She continued to walk deeply with God on her own.

Tina:

"I need an older, wiser friend to model a life lived by faith."

Method used: WALK

Meeting type: Informal and irregular, but frequent

Meeting place: My home, her home, walking trails, coffee shops, the car

Illustration by Woodleigh Marx Hubbard

Tina, a young believer from a broken home, needed someone she could observe and learn from in ordinary life. I mentored Tina by learning to WALK with her.

WELCOME your disciplee into your life and home. We invited Tina over for dinner now and then; she also joined me on errands or stopped by just to hang out while I did daily tasks. This life-on-life discipleship required availability. Though I didn‘t plan it, our deepest discussions occurred in unexpected moments that would never have happened in a structured study.

ACCEPT help from your disciple. Tina occasionally took my kids (all three of them, at her initiative and expense) to the movies, park, or ice cream shop so I could rest or study. My children relished these outings as much as I treasured the breaks.

Tina also helped with house projects, which gave us time to discuss whatever was on her mind. Allowing Tina to serve us gave her more time to talk and let her see how our functional, though imperfect, Christian family applied biblical truth to everyday life.

LET your disciple see your flaws. Tina watched me obey Christ and fail Him. My very human mistakes revealed my need for Jesus and dependence on Him. When I allowed Tina to glimpse my struggles, she saw how I learned to trust God in adversity, how I surrendered unanswered questions to Him, and how I repented when I sinned. For example, when I told her that I lost my temper with my eight-year-old son and had to ask for forgiveness from God and from my son, Tina learned how conflict can be reconciled and result in growth.

KNOW when to say "when." Sharing life with Tina was a privilege, but I also needed to guard my heart, my family, and my privacy. Because Tina knew she was welcomed and loved, I could say, "This afternoon won‘t work. Can you come over next week?" Setting boundaries modeled the way to establish and follow priorities—something Tina might not otherwise see.

Though Tina would say she received the most from our friendship, her generous spirit and desire to know God refreshed and encouraged me. I felt like Tina gave far more to me than I gave to her.

Natalie:

"I‘m in crisis!"

Method used: HELP

Meeting type: Telephone calls and informal get-togethers

Meeting place: Natalie‘s home, restaurants, and walking trails

Illustration by Woodleigh Marx Hubbard

When my neighbor Natalie‘s husband died, she faced a crisis unlike any she‘d ever known. Though we weren‘t close friends, Natalie respected my faith and asked if we could talk. I fumbled my way through our initial discussion but eventually learned to HELP.

HOLD hands. While many others offered practical assistance, Natalie needed me to walk with her through her crisis of faith, to be someone with whom she could weep and process her questions. Sometimes she cried, while I said nothing. At other times, I assured her that her confusion and anger were normal responses to loss. I actively listened, sat with her, and prayed.

ENCOURAGE with truth, not platitudes. Natalie was receptive to God‘s Word once she knew I wouldn‘t minimize her pain. I reminded her of God‘s faithfulness and sovereignty and that we can trust God with our heartbreak and confusion. Though grieving, Natalie embraced God‘s comfort and peace.

LEAD them to the proper support channels. I provided biblical encouragement and appropriate resources (C. S. Lewis‘ A Grief Observed, for example), but Natalie needed to connect with others in similar circumstances. I found a local grief support group and offered to attend the first meeting with her. Though reluctant, she agreed and then began going on her own. This group of grieving women offered support and understanding I couldn‘t give.

PULL BACK when other support systems are in place. Natalie needed my involvement in those first weeks. But as time passed, others were better suited to meet her needs. We stopped meeting two months after her husband died. I often felt inadequate, but I considered my time with Natalie a privilege because she allowed me to walk with her in suffering.

Liz, Sharon, Tina, and Natalie: four lives, four seasons, four sets of needs. Yet God used our relationships to teach us more about Himself and to make us more like Jesus. I am a better discipler—and disciple—because of each one.

Joan Esherick is a teacher, discipler, and speaker from Telford, Pennsylvania. She is author of Our Mighty Fortress: Finding Refuge in God (Moody).

Because someone took the time to meet with her and patiently field innumerable questions, Joan was given a rock-solid foundation for her life with God. Without those times together, Joan says she would never have developed the faith she has today.

Joan‘s favorite movie is The Boy Who Could Fly.