{"id":11819,"date":"2022-05-31T18:52:33","date_gmt":"2022-05-31T18:52:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/?p=11819"},"modified":"2023-06-30T14:40:54","modified_gmt":"2023-06-30T14:40:54","slug":"5-things-caregivers-and-their-loved-ones-need-to-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2022\/05\/5-things-caregivers-and-their-loved-ones-need-to-know\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Things Caregivers and Their Loved Ones Need to Know"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

This article is an excerpt from the book, <\/em>We\u2019re Stronger than We Look: Insights and Encouragement for the Caregiver\u2019s Journey. Jill and David Brown lived full and healthy lives until David took a violent fall off his bicycle and into a wheelchair in 2009. Jill now serves as his primary caregiver<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Six tall steps of brick and concrete connect our porch to the front sidewalk. Their steepness explains why we couldn\u2019t build our wheelchair ramp there. To meet slope requirement codes, any ramp going down those front steps would have to end halfway across the street.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One morning, when David and I sat on the front porch having coffee, I got up to go into the house for refills. As I reached for his cup, he said, \u201cDon\u2019t leave me out here alone.\u201d I laughed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He didn\u2019t. \u201cI don\u2019t feel safe,\u201d he said. \u201cThose steps . . .\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A man we\u2019d met at Craig Hospital popped into my mind. After years as a paraplegic, Jack had accidentally tipped his wheelchair down a flight of stairs and become a quad. His lack of bitterness and warm encouragement <\/a>of other patients put him high on my list of quiet heroes. But the thought of that crippling plunge always made me feel shivery. Maybe David had been thinking of him too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you afraid you might fall down the steps?\u201d I asked. \u201cYou\u2019re nowhere near them. Just stay where you are.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not afraid of falling. I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll do it on purpose.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life stopped. The background noises of traffic went mute. I put down both cups and sat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We talked. The previous year, scar tissue in David\u2019s neck had decreased his mobility and ramped up his nerve pain. Surgery stopped the downward trend, with a fifty percent chance of getting him back to his version of normal. We\u2019d strongly hoped for that. But it hadn\u2019t happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without that hope, he told me now, the pain seemed unendurable. The idea of suicide <\/a>had sneaked in . . . and stayed. \u201cI never looked for an opportunity,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut the thought keeps getting more intense. I\u2019ve been ashamed to tell you, but I knew I had to. I was afraid sometime when you weren\u2019t out here with me, I\u2019d just roll over to the steps and do it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d had no idea. I wouldn\u2019t have even thought to ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For David, this time on the porch marked a turning point. Being taken seriously, really listened to<\/a>, drained the power out of those thoughts. He no longer felt alone. He decided he didn\u2019t need professional help\u2014a counselor himself, he could meet with someone on our team for that. But he promised to tell me if any suicidal ideation showed up again. Even the faintest breath of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe him. But whenever he seems a little off, I check in. It\u2019s scary to do that. I have to brace myself to ask, then stay with it and encourage him to talk about what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lately, more and more of our medical appointments include a short mental-health survey that asks about suicidal thoughts. The VA has done that for a while because of veteran trauma, but now I see it everywhere. I like it. Filling out the form together gives me a natural way to check in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Five things David wants you to know when you\u2019re feeling hopeless:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. When I first came home from the hospital and thought I would never have a life again, I hid in sleep. Long naps, two or three times a day. The opposite\u2014having trouble sleeping\u2014can also mean depression. If your person loses their appetite or their usual interests, that\u2019s a heads-up too.<\/li>
  2. Talking about this is vital. Be direct.<\/li>
  3. If they express negative feelings to you, listen. Don\u2019t try to talk them out of those feelings.<\/li>
  4. If they pull in and isolate themselves, ask. Sometimes when my pain is high, I don\u2019t want to be a burden to Jill, so I get quiet. But I\u2019ve learned that my silence is the heaviest burden I can lay on her.<\/li>
  5. Pain and hopelessness aren\u2019t logical. That idea of throwing myself and my wheelchair down the porch steps . . . not smart. Most likely, I would have ended up with a lot more<\/em> pain and hopelessness. So don\u2019t dismiss what you notice just because it doesn\u2019t make sense.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
    \n
    \n
    \"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    Jill Brown<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    is on staff with The Navigators, where she provides part-time pastoral care for those serving in ministry. She has been the caregiver <\/a>for her husband, David, who is also on staff with The Navigators, since his bicycling accident in 2009.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
    More from Jill<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n\n\n\n
    \"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    This article is an excerpt from the book, We\u2019re Stronger than We Look: Insights and Encouragement for the Caregiver\u2019s Journey. Jill and David Brown lived full and healthy lives until David took a violent fall off his bicycle and into … <\/p>\n

    Read more5 Things Caregivers and Their Loved Ones Need to Know<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":11823,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":""},"categories":[615,9],"tags":[601,600],"yoast_head":"\n5 Things Caregivers Need to Know | The Disciplemaker<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What do you do when your loved one feels hopeless? 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