{"id":12799,"date":"2024-04-16T09:52:59","date_gmt":"2024-04-16T14:52:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/?p=12799"},"modified":"2024-04-17T09:40:03","modified_gmt":"2024-04-17T14:40:03","slug":"six-things-i-didnt-know-when-i-was-in-an-abusive-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2024\/04\/six-things-i-didnt-know-when-i-was-in-an-abusive-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Six Things I Didn\u2019t Know When I Was in an Abusive Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Watch this video to familiarize yourself with this story.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is a two-part series from the book, <\/em>You are Safe Now: A Survivor\u2019s Guide to Listening to Your Gut, Healing from Abuse, and Living in Freedom<\/a>. In this first article, co-author Tricia Lott Wlliford (abuse survivor) tells part of her story. The abuser is refereed to as \u201cAnnie\u201d.<\/em> Here, Tricia tells not only what she knows now, but six things she didn\u2019t know then. In releasing this deeply vulnerable story, Tricia hopes to help others caught in the dark web of abuse.<\/em><\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you are a disciplemaker, a pastor, a church leader\u2014someone who cares for the spiritual needs of others, you will want to read this article.<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

TRICIA\u2019S STORY<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

To be sexually assaulted or abused is to be treated with an enormous measure of unkindness. The one who is recovering needs an extraordinary amount of patience, and Jana (my therapist) was present in the slow, steady way of kindness. She Swas with me, and she would be with me as long as it took.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was consistent in her response:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis was wrong. It\u2019s wrong morally, but it\u2019s also wrong personally. What was done to you was wrong on a personal level. You were violated. She violated you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A person who has been abused needs to hear this. I listened to her every time. I believed her sometimes.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My relationship with Annie (my abuser) had changed in the months since my husband, Robb\u2019s, sudden death. After a long time staying in my home, she had gone back to her new home in her new town. I resolved that I wouldn\u2019t be alone with her ever again. But I maintained contact with her, checking in with her and letting her check on me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I watched from a distance as she targeted other women in the same way she had targeted me. I watched her choose and acquire. She had an addiction, and she was in deep. Her methods kept working.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a text, Annie called me her \u201cprecious girl.\u201d Autocorrect changed it to \u201cprevious girl.\u201d Autocorrect has a Freudian accuracy sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why didn\u2019t I sever what was going on? Because I still felt responsible for her.<\/strong> The church had failed her. She had told me so herself. I wanted to be the one to do this differently. I thought I was with her, the way Jana was with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I let my abuser have access to me. I thought I had to. I thought it\u2019s what Jesus would do.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have made a list of six things I didn\u2019t know then.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
  1. I didn\u2019t know then that no is a full sentence.<\/li>
  2. I didn\u2019t know then that when someone doesn\u2019t respect the word no, they are not respecting your consent.<\/li>
  3. I didn\u2019t know then how a manipulator can trap someone in unhealthy patterns and places, simply by making the word no seem selfish and upsetting.<\/li>
  4. I didn\u2019t know then that if someone feels ashamed when I won\u2019t do what they\u2019ve asked me to do, that doesn\u2019t mean I have shamed them. When Annie told me that my no harmed her, made her feel ashamed of who she was, I believed her. I believed her feelings were my fault.<\/li>
  5. I didn\u2019t know then the patterns of codependency. I didn\u2019t know it was a thing to want something for someone more than they want it for themselves.<\/li>
  6. I didn\u2019t know then that someone can weaponize shame to run over someone else\u2019s no. I had said no to Annie in so many ways. But it never seemed to be loud enough, sure enough, locked tightly enough.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    But isn\u2019t one no enough? It should be.<\/strong> It should have been. I should not have had to keep saying no. My no should have been enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Jana had been telling me this was not my fault, but for some reason, her words weren\u2019t enough for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I needed to reckon with my spiritual questions of guilt, sin, shame, and maybe even penance. I felt a deep longing to hear from someone in the church. The wounding had come from someone with spiritual authority, so the healing needed to involve someone with spiritual authority.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I wanted a second opinion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I went to my pastor.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    My pastor sat in his chair and steepled his fingers as he listened to my confession. When I finished, he asked me, \u201cDid you enter this relationship with your consent?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I thought about my constant stream of nos, the boundaries pushed and prodded over and over, the desecration in my most vulnerable moment. I thought about what Jana had taught me about the premeditation of an abuser, how Annie knew what she was doing far before I knew what she was doing. I thought about the numbness after the assaults, the disorientation, the bone-deep weariness, and the feeling like I had nowhere else I could go and nothing else I could do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    No, I did not consent to this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cDid she ask you to keep secrets that would have destroyed her family and her career?\u201d<\/strong> I thought about the night I made her leave, about \u201cIf you tell anyone, I\u2019m toast.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I thought of what Jana had taught me about the dark secrets and inside information, about how Annie had trapped me in a web of intercession and secret keeping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Yes, the information she\u2019d asked me to hold would have been destructive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cDid you have a choice?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I thought of how Annie had manipulated my intuition, teaching me that my instincts weren\u2019t voices to trust in my decision making. I thought of how she twisted Scripture to her advantage, making me wonder if maybe I had been taught the wrong truth about so many things. I thought of how she told me this intimacy was the way of the church, that the only real choice was to obey\u2014or not to obey\u2014the laws of love. I thought about what Jana had taught me about undue influence, about coercive control, about the effects of sedatives and sleep aids. I thought about how I had learned that accountability becomes complicity only when you have all the information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    No, I did not have a choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He asked other questions about consent, about power imbalances, and about timing. He listened, he was quiet, and he thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Then he said, \u201cTricia, an affair is a mutual agreement, not a power play with only one person in charge. She knew what she was doing, long before you knew. That\u2019s what a predator does.<\/strong> This was patient and premeditated and calculated. She waited for her moment, and I\u2019m sorry to say, but with the death of your husband, she was handed a perfect storm.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his eye contact intentional. He said, \u201cIt stops today, Tricia. You are safe now.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I remember crying at the relief of those words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He said, \u201cToday, you will send an email to her, severing all contact. She may not contact you in any way, through any avenue. Copy me on that email, and she will know you are no longer alone in this. If you hear another word from her\u2014ever, in any way\u2014then you and I together will contact her employer and report this abuse.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I followed his instructions that day. That was the last time I talked to Annie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He showed me the way out, actual steps to take to break the chains she had on my life. I think back on it often, the day he said, \u201cIt stops today, Tricia. You are safe now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The strangest thing happened when I brought my shame into the open.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I didn\u2019t die. I actually began to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In part two of this series, co-author and therapist Jana Richardson, MA, LPC, EMDR, gives helpful insights for those suffering from abusive relationships, including three steps to take to separate yourself from your abuser.<\/em><\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
    \n
    \n
    \"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    Tricia Lott Williford<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Tricia Lott Williford<\/strong> has written fifteen books in the last thirteen years.  She has authored six titles under her own name and nine titles as a ghostwriter in collaboration with other authors, including a gold medalist, an Emmy award-winning journalist, and a candidate for President of the United States.  Her work has appeared on the New York Times<\/em> Bestseller list, and she has written with Penguin Random House, St. Martin’s Press, LifeWay, Tyndale, and NavPress.  Tricia championed The Pen and The Page, a weekend writing retreat attended by hundreds of adults; she co-hosts the popular podcast Let’s Talk Soon<\/em>; and during the school year, she teaches fourth grade at an elementary school near Denver.  Tricia’s newest book is called You Are Safe Now: A Survivor’s Guide to Listening to Your Gut, Healing from Abuse, and Living in Freedom<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
    TRICIA LOTT WILLIFORD<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n
    \n
    \"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    Jana Richardson, MA, LPC, EMDR<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Jana Richardson<\/strong> is an experienced therapist in the Denver area with expertise in counseling victims of trauma, grief, and addiction.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Watch this video to familiarize yourself with this story. If you are a disciplemaker, a pastor, a church leader\u2014someone who cares for the spiritual needs of others, you will want to read this article. TRICIA\u2019S STORY To be sexually assaulted … <\/p>\n

    Read moreSix Things I Didn\u2019t Know When I Was in an Abusive Relationship<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":""},"categories":[613,617,8],"tags":[648,649,647,650,534,646],"yoast_head":"\nSix Things I Didn\u2019t Know When I Was in an Abusive Relationship - The Disciplemaker<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2024\/04\/six-things-i-didnt-know-when-i-was-in-an-abusive-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Six Things I Didn\u2019t Know When I Was in an Abusive Relationship - The Disciplemaker\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Watch this video to familiarize yourself with this story. 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