{"id":1523,"date":"2016-03-25T08:37:14","date_gmt":"2016-03-25T13:37:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thedisciplemaker.org\/?p=1523"},"modified":"2016-03-25T08:37:14","modified_gmt":"2016-03-25T13:37:14","slug":"rules-for-engagement-getting-at-the-heart-of-the-questions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2016\/03\/rules-for-engagement-getting-at-the-heart-of-the-questions\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Principles for Talking About Faith"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Rules for Engagement: \u00a0Getting at the Heart of the Questions<\/strong>
\n\u201cHow can you believe in a God that you can\u2019t see, hear, or touch?\u201d my friend asked.
\nWithout waiting for an answer, he continued: \u201cI\u2019m not saying the idea of God isn\u2019t useful; some people need help facing life\u2019s disappointments. But I don\u2019t believe Santa lives at the North Pole, and I don\u2019t believe God is up there looking down.\u201d
\nWe sat in silence.
\nPeter and I had taught university courses together for a year. I respected him as a colleague and valued him as a friend. Still, his conclusion that God was a grand coping mechanism for needy people made me angry. I wanted to set our relationship aside and dismantle his claims point by point like a defense attorney at cross-examination.
\nBut Peter was no stranger sitting next to me at Starbucks. My relationship with him was not one I could easily set aside. And while the Scriptures command us to present our beliefs with gentleness to everyone (1 Pet. 3:15), it\u2019s particularly important to do so when someone\u00a0 we\u2019re close to\u2014a family member or a good friend\u2014questions our faith. On such occasions, we face the challenge of responding to the questions while preserving the relationship.
\nAs I\u2019ve talked with Peter about my relationship with God and nurtured our friendship, I\u2019ve discovered a series of helpful communication principles. When you apply them in your conversations (bearing in mind that they aren\u2019t intended as a rigid checklist to work through in a specified order), I believe you\u2019ll find that they lay the foundation for engaging, God-honoring dialogues about faith.<\/strong>
\n\"Principle1\"\u00a0<\/strong>
\nOs Guinness argues that, when presented with a difficult question, \u201cpart of the answer initially is to have no answer, for the genuine answer counts only if we have genuinely listened first.\u201d The writer of Proverbs agrees: \u201cA fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind\u201d (18:2, NASB). In contrast to the fool, a wise person \u201cacquires knowledge\u201d (Prov. 18:15).
\nWhen my oldest son started complaining of headaches after we moved to southern California last year, we scheduled a doctor\u2019s appointment. I expected the doctor quickly to prescribe something to lessen my son\u2019s pain. The first thing the doctor did, however, was ask questions.
\n\u201cDoes your son have a history of headaches?\u201d \u201cDo you or your wife have frequent headaches?\u201d \u201cWhen did your son first start to experience these
\nheadaches?\u201d
\n\u201cWhere is the pain located?\u201d
\nWithout answers to these questions, the doctor couldn\u2019t proceed wisely. Similarly, I couldn\u2019t properly respond to Peter\u2019s comparison of God to Santa Claus without some insight into Peter\u2019s
\npersonal history. So I asked Peter some questions.
\n\u201cHow long have you felt this way about God?\u201d \u201cWhen did you first start to think this way?\u201d \u201cWhat books or individuals have influenced your\"Talking
\nthinking?\u201d
\nThe writer of Proverbs reminds us that the \u201cpurposes of a man\u2019s heart are deep waters\u201d (20:5). The job of a good conversationalist\u00a0 is to \u201cdraw them out.\u201d My questions slowly plumbed Peter\u2019s history and revealed two key pieces of information.
\nFirst, Peter grew up in an atheistic home where the notion of God was laughable. His parents taught at a university and repeatedly told him that Christianity\u00a0 was for the uneducated. For most of us, our parents are the first and most important influence on how we see ourselves. Were Peter to consider seriously the existence of God, he would alienate himself from the two most important people in his life\u2014his parents. That was a risk he couldn\u2019t take.
\nSecond, Peter\u2019s parents were very sparing in communicating approval to him. \u201cWhen I debated issues with my parents,\u201d he once said to me, \u201cthey were quick to point out the weaknesses of my ideas.\u201d When I asked if he\u2019d ever won a debate, he looked down and slowly shook his head.
\n\u201cIf we could read the secret history of our enemies,\u201d wrote Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, \u201cwe should find in each man\u2019s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.\u201d<\/strong> If learning the history and sorrow of an enemy disarms hostility, how much more might it disarm us to learn the history and sorrow of those close to us? When I saw Peter\u2019s affection for his parents and his longing for their approval, my desire to defeat him in a debate dissipated. What child hasn\u2019t wanted his parents to be proud of his convictions?
\n\"Principle2\"\u00a0<\/strong>
\nRemember that All Communication Exists on at Least Two Levels.<\/strong>
\nWhen someone\u00a0 close to you asks you a question, the ensuing conversation exists on two levels: the content level and the relational level. The content level expresses the literal meaning of the words being spoken or the question being asked. The relational level expresses the amount of affection, concern, commitment, and respect that exists between two people.
\nWhen Peter asked how I could believe in an invisible God (content level), he was also waiting to see how I would react to him and his questions (relational level). Would his questions change our relationship? Hidden within his verbalized questions about God were other unspoken questions.
\n\u201cAre my feelings OK?\u201d
\n\u201cWill my questions push you away?\u201d \u201cDo you still respect me?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat will happen to us if I never believe as you do?\u201d
\nPeter needed to know that, regardless of how our conversation went that day, we would be friends the next. He needed to know that our relationship wouldn\u2019t suffer because we had differing opinions. The loved ones you are in conversation with need the same sort of reassurance.
\n\"Principle3\"
\nIn his massive treatise on religious affections, Jonathan Edwards wrote that the nature of human beings is to be inactive unless we are motivated by a powerful feeling or affection. These feelings\u2014hatred, love, anger, despair, hope\u2014serve as a \u201cspring of action\u201d that propels us forward. In answering tough questions we need to discover the underlying emotion that \u201cpropelled\u201d the question.
\nThe problem is, we aren\u2019t very good at identifying emotions. When someone is upset we say he or she is \u201cangry.\u201d Or when people seem withdrawn we label them \u201csad.\u201d Such a limited emotional vocabulary does little to help us understand the specific emotion that gave rise to the question.
\nFor example, after my wife and I explained to an engaged couple God\u2019s standard concerning premarital sex, they reacted strongly. \u201cDo you mean God thinks nothing of our love?\u201d the young woman asked in dis- belief. \u201cHe just looks at us as two people breaking one of His rules?\u201d said her fianc\u00e9, staring at me. (Like half of the couples in the United States planning on getting married, they were living together.)
\nKnowing what emotion was driving the questions from this non-Christian couple helped me frame my response. If I\u2019d\u00a0 simply assumed they were angry, I might have accused them of arrogance and insisted that God had every right to tell them what was off limits. However, I recognized that they were hurt. They took their relationship\u00a0 seriously and thought I was saying that God cared more about rules than about their deep concern for each other. Instead of an explanation of God\u2019s right to establish rules, this couple needed to hear God\u2019s heart behind the rule. By reserving sex for marriage, God was taking their relationship even more seriously than they did and was graciously seeking to protect what will become the most intimate part of their future: their sexual union.
\nThe next time you are trying to understand the emo- tion behind a person\u2019s difficult question, try probing further with the following questions and comments:
\n\u201cWhy do you think this issue is important to you?\u201d
\n\u201cYou said you are angry at Christians. What specifically makes you angry?\u201d \u201cHow does my answer to your question make you feel?\u201d
\n\u201cHelp me understand why you feel that I\u2019m intolerant.\u201d \u201cWhat leads you to say that God has abandoned you?\u201d
\n\u201cSay more about why this issue evokes such strong emotions.\u201d
\nThe best questions for uncovering emotions are open-ended (\u201cHow do you feel?\u201d) and allow a variety of responses. Closed questions (\u201cAre you mad?\u201d) provoke a one-word response.
\n\"Principle
\nWhen listening to a person\u2019s story or feelings, how we react is crucial. People become defensive and withdrawn when their feelings are met with detached neutrality. Conversely, when people\u2019s doubts or questions are met with empathy, they feel valued. This doesn\u2019t mean that we have to tear up with emotion for the person. Rather, it means that we acknowledge that what they are going through must be difficult, and we communicate that we feel for them.
\nAt one point in our conversation, Peter told me that his parents didn\u2019t tolerate children challenging their beliefs. \u201cImagine if I came home and told them I
\nfound religion,\u201d he said with a laugh. Listening to him, I thought of the proverb that states, \u201cEven in laughter the heart may ache\u201d (14:13).
\n\u201cI can\u2019t imagine my parents not allowing me to disagree with them,\u201d I said.
\n\u201cYou get used to it,\u201d he replied. I wasn\u2019t so sure. Acknowledging people\u2019s feelings is not difficult.
\nFirst, it means letting them know that you are attempt- ing to understand the significance of their questions or doubts. Second, it means communicating that their feelings matter to you, that they themselves are important to you.
\n\"Principle5\"Focus on the person, not just the answer.<\/strong>
\nWhen giving a truthful answer, it\u2019s not enough to think about what I\u2019m going to say; I must also think about what response is best for this person at this time. Does he or she need assurance of my commit\"conversationment to the relationship (relational level)? A well-thought-out reply (content level)? Or both? Jesus models this kind of discernment. In John 11, both Mary and Martha say to Him: \u201cIf you\u2019d been here, Lazarus wouldn\u2019t have died.\u201d Jesus responds differently to each woman. To Martha, He gives theological truth that places emphasis on the content level: \u201cYour brother will rise again. . . . I am the resurrection and the life\u201d (vv. 23,25). With Mary, He sees her tears and is \u201cdeeply moved and troubled\u201d (v. 33). He weeps. He acknowledges, on a relational level, the intimacy of their relationship. This last reminder is perhaps the most important. When someone we care about rejects the answer we give to his challenging question, we must keep the lines of communication open. Reuel Howe notes:\u00a0 Dialog is to love what blood is to the body.\u00a0 When the flow of blood stops, the body dies.\u00a0 When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born.
\nHowe was so struck by the power of communications that he named his now classic book The Miracle of Dialog.\u00a0 However, for dialogue to work its wonders we must be tireless in pursuing those dear to us.\u00a0 We must address their questions and preserve the relationship. In doing so, we will leave a door open for future conversations and further consideration of the beliefs we cherish and know to hold the key to eternal and abundant life.<\/p>\n

\n

a b o u t\u00a0 t h e\u00a0 a u t h o r<\/strong>
\nTIMOTHY M. MUEHLHOFF is a professor of communication at Biola University in La Mirada, California. He completed a Ph.D. in communication theory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (2003). Since 1986 he has served with Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) in the campus ministry, short-term missions (Kenya, Russia, Lithuania), and currently with Keynote as a trainer for The Comm Lab\u2014a center that trains Cru staff, pastors, and lay people in evangelistic speaking and apologetics.\u00a0\u00a0 For the past 18 years Tim and his wife, Noreen, have been frequent speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences.
\nArt by Neubecker.
\nUsed by permission of Discipleship Journal. Copyright \u00a9 Mar\/April 2006, Issue 152, The Navigators. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. www.navpress.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rules for Engagement: \u00a0Getting at the Heart of the Questions \u201cHow can you believe in a God that you can\u2019t see, hear, or touch?\u201d my friend asked. Without waiting for an answer, he continued: \u201cI\u2019m not saying the idea of … <\/p>\n

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