{"id":6261,"date":"2019-01-07T17:07:39","date_gmt":"2019-01-07T23:07:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thedisciplemaker.org\/?p=6261"},"modified":"2019-01-07T17:07:39","modified_gmt":"2019-01-07T23:07:39","slug":"how-to-come-alongside-someone-going-through-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2019\/01\/how-to-come-alongside-someone-going-through-pain\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Come Alongside Someone Going Through Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Advice (or Not): Advice about Advice<\/h3>\n

At a women\u2019s retreat, I open up for the first time about my illness. I talk about how I feel ashamed of it, how it redefines me. I speak about how I used to run and exercise but how I can\u2019t do much of that any more, at least not in the same way. I tell these ladies that I know this disease didn\u2019t attack the brain, but sometimes my brain just wants a break from having to process this new reality.
\nI don\u2019t say this at the retreat, but I actually begin to feel grateful for pain\u2019s unique counsel. I start to believe that life\u2019s pains can surprisingly become gifts. Suffering shakes up everything, but eventually, it all must settle. With Jesus at our side, it all settles on hope.<\/strong>
\nA woman walks up to me after I finish speaking. She wears amber-colored bracelets on one arm, stacked all the way up to her elbow. \u201cCan I offer you some advice?\u201d she asks.
\nAt this point in my illness, I receive a lot of unsolicited advice, and I\u2019ve grown a little cynical. I confess that my thoughts are not full of gratitude. I think, Oh, great, here we go again.<\/strong> Let me guess. Is it turmeric? Is it Paleo? Is it the magical bracelets you\u2019re wearing?
\nShe continues, \u201cWhen you feel like crap, order takeout. Don\u2019t cook and don\u2019t you dare feel guilty about it. If you can\u2019t show up, don\u2019t. If you need to take time off, take it. If you want to wear a hat because your hair is falling out, spend some money on a great hat. If you want to eat chocolate, keep chocolate stocked in the pantry. And if you can\u2019t run because you experience too much pain, don\u2019t run. Rest. Because, my dear, you have value; you are worthy of self-care.\u201d
\nI compliment her bracelets and tell her it\u2019s the best advice I\u2019ve ever received.
\nIf you\u2019ve ever been in a hard season, you know that advice is a tricky thing. It\u2019s well meant, of course. But in their attempt to be helpful, a lot of people can say stuff that\u2019s, well \u2026 not. So if you\u2019re walking with someone who\u2019s going through some serious pain, here are some genuine ways you can help without giving advice.<\/strong>
\n\"\"
\nKnow that the grieving person will always be a grieving person\u2014from now on. They know this, but sometimes we need to accept it, and sometimes we need to become less awkard about and around our loved one\u2019s grief. Their grief might become less raw over the years. But grief remains with a person his or her whole life. God will use grief to shape them, and draw them closer to himself. You cannot fix or take away their pain. But you can sit beside them as they cry or listen while they talk about their loss.<\/strong> You can allow them to scream and fall down crying and say unedited things without correcting them.
\nGrieving people are afraid that you will either forget their pain or forget the one they\u2019ve lost. It helps if you remember anniversaries of deaths or birthdays or diagnoses. Send cards or a text on those days. Share memories you have of their loved ones. Remind them that you see them.<\/strong>
\nThe person in pain doesn\u2019t need you to help steer them to the bright side. In fact, they might need the opposite\u2014validation. Assure them that what they are going through is a big deal\u2014and can be a big deal for as long as they need it to be.
\nErr on the side of coming near. Err on the side of being made a fool. Err on the side of saying I\u2019m sorry more than you should, even if you had nothing to do with their sorrow. Err on the side of letting your wife or husband or sister or friend grieve longer than you think he or she should. Be intentional to embrace their grief without fear.<\/strong> Ask open ended question: How is your grief today? How is your heart? What are you thinking about? And listen. Sometimes the grieving person needs space. But mostly they want to be met where they grieve. Practice the ministry of presence. This is, after all, what the hurting person wants\u2014friends who are near, who minimize nothing, who lament with.<\/strong>
\nFor people in chronic pain, it can feel like an imposition to ask for help. But they need help.<\/p>\n

Here are some practical things to offer:<\/h3>\n

\u201cI made dinner\/grabbed a latte for you. It\u2019s on your front porch.\u201d
\n\u201cI rented every version of Pride and Prejudice. Can I bring them over one night? You can pick your favorite Mr. Darcy. PS: It\u2019s always Colin Firth.\u201d
\n\u201cI rented every Marvel movie for you. You can pick your favorite Avenger. PS: It\u2019s always Thor.\u201d
\n\u201cCan I come over and pray for you\/with you? I won\u2019t linger.\u201d
\n\u201cChoose one of the following and I will do it for you today: (a) take your kids away from you for a couple of hours; (b) do your laundry at my house; or (c) take you for a night out.\u201d
\n\u201cI paid for a housecleaner to come to your house this week.\u201d
\nYou get the idea. Generally speaking, practical help and lots of compassion are all you need to offer. (And yes, it\u2019s not lost on me that this is an advice list about not giving advice. I like to think of myself not as a hypocrite but as meta.)<\/p>\n

\n

You’ve been reading with Aubrey Sampson from The Louder Song: Listening for Hope in the Midst of Lament<\/em>. Learn more about Aubrey and the book at loudersong.com<\/a>. You can also read a free chapter or get the book here.<\/a>
\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Advice (or Not): Advice about Advice At a women\u2019s retreat, I open up for the first time about my illness. I talk about how I feel ashamed of it, how it redefines me. I speak about how I used to … <\/p>\n

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