{"id":6815,"date":"2019-07-18T16:01:41","date_gmt":"2019-07-18T21:01:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thedisciplemaker.org\/?p=6815"},"modified":"2022-05-17T19:38:17","modified_gmt":"2022-05-17T19:38:17","slug":"lessons-learned-from-an-alzheimers-caregiver-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2019\/07\/lessons-learned-from-an-alzheimers-caregiver-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Lessons Learned from an Alzheimer’s Caregiver – Part Three"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

by Cynthia Fantasia, author of\u00a0In the Lingering Light: Courage and Hope for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver<\/em><\/a>
\nThis is the last article in a three-part series on Alzheimer’s caregiving<\/a>. In the past few weeks, I have shared thirteen lessons I learned (and am still learning) as I cared for and walked alongside my husband through his journey with Alzheimer’s Disease. May these truths strengthen you for your ongoing journey. Because one thing I have come to realize: God doesn\u2019t waste anything. Lessons will come at the end of the journey. So let’s wrap up with a few, final lessons.
\nIn my first article<\/a>, I shared these five lessons:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. People grieve differently<\/li>\n
  2. Accept reality<\/li>\n
  3. Life is short. Be kind.<\/li>\n
  4. It’s the disease talking.<\/li>\n
  5. Build holy habits.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    In my second article<\/a>, I shared these four lessons:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Have “the conversation”<\/li>\n
    2. Keep short accounts<\/li>\n
    3. Keep your eyes on the road<\/li>\n
    4. Live an openhanded life<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Here are four final lessons to help you or someone you care about walk through a season of caregiving.<\/p>\n

      Intentionally Pursue Gratitude<\/h3>\n

      During our long walks together over the years, Bob and I would talk about our kids (and eventually our grandkids), discuss our lives and our plans, work through hectic schedules, solve our problems (and, often, the world\u2019s problems). I loved those walks and always returned refreshed.
      \nAs Bob\u2019s illness increased its grip, our walks became shorter and our conversations became simpler. Oh, how I missed those stimulating conversations. We kept walking, though, sometimes just to the corner of our street and back. The shorter walk was okay with Bob\u2014he was content. I, on the other hand, was gaining weight from lack of exercise.
      \nWhen Bob entered the memory-care facility and I was faced with doing life alone, walking wasn\u2019t something I looked forward to. After a few days of resistance, however, I started out on the old route. As I stood at the end of our driveway, wanting so much to turn around, I decided to thank God as I walked. Hard as it was to get started, I began to walk and talk. I talked with God about everything I was thankful for: a loving family, a safe place for Bob, the beautiful summer flowers, our church, my faith, a car, the sunshine\u2014you name it, I thanked God for it.
      \nThat first day, what I thought was going to be such a hard walk became a holy experience. I literally walked past our driveway because I was so caught up in the things for which I was thankful. God became my walking companion. When gratitude seemed challenging, I thanked Him for who He is. I thanked God alphabetically: Almighty, Beautiful Creator, my Deliverer, my Eternal Father, a Good and Gracious God\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. all the way to X, Y, and Z. Gratitude became a holy habit. It made me aware of God\u2019s presence and His faithfulness, it drew to my mind the many ways God had intervened during the past months, and it refreshed my mind and heart.
      \nFollowing Bob\u2019s death, I thanked God each time I drove by a nursing home, grateful we didn\u2019t have to make the torturous decision to place Bob in one. I continue, even now, intentionally pursuing gratitude. Why? Because gratitude is a game changer, a heart changer, a life changer.
      \nThere are times when I feel myself starting to grumble. Yet gratitude rushes in like a minesweeper, and my attitude changes. A lesson learned at a time when the world wanted me to believe that I had nothing to be thankful for.<\/p>\n

      Learn the Power of Presence<\/h3>\n

      My first day at church after a three-month absence, I wasn\u2019t ready to face many people, and I was concerned about too many people talking to me. What would I say? What would they ask? How would I feel?
      \nI sat in the balcony with a friend. It seemed safe enough. The benediction was given, and I walked out, eyes down, emotionally exhausted and just wanting to get to my car. But I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned, a man was standing there, his arms opened wide. I knew him: I had served on teams with him, and he was a casual friend. There were no words; he just wrapped me in a big bear hug, then let me go. Such a warm and comforting moment!
      \nThe power of presence\u2014it was life-giving. Too often, we worry about saying the right thing to someone who is hurting. Words aren\u2019t necessary. Presence is!
      \nI have pondered this concept, and as I reflect on those who spent time with me, I see that the most helpful were the ones who said very little. Sometimes, they just sat with me and let me talk. They didn\u2019t give answers, solutions, or formulas. They just listened. They invited me into a holy place\u2014a place where I could be myself, a place where I didn\u2019t have to say anything, a place where I knew I was understood. They pointed me to God just by their presence. \u201cBe still, and know that I am God\u201d (Psalm 46:10) was the gift they gave me.
      \nAll too often, people stay away, because they don\u2019t think they have anything of value to offer. This is more painful than anyone can imagine. There were many who helped me, though: Team Bob folks who took Bob for walks or for lunch, who spent time with him; those who occasionally brought a meal; those who sent notes to remind me they hadn\u2019t forgotten us; and those who sat with me on the \u201cmourning bench,\u201d knowing there were no answers, no quick fixes.
      \nThere is a ministry of \u201cpresence.\u201d The fact that you are there with the one who is suffering can often help more than any words you say.21
      \nGive someone the gift of yourself. Stay for a short time. Bring some flowers from your garden, a cookie from the bakery or your own kitchen, but most importantly, bring yourself. A lesson learned by the example of those who gave me themselves, their time, their love, and their presence.<\/p>\n

      Do Your Job<\/h3>\n

      I don\u2019t know much about football, but, since I live in New England, I am a die-hard Patriots fan. Coach Bill Belichick is known for constantly reminding his team: \u201cDo your job!\u201d I interpret that to mean stay the course, do what you are called to do, and don\u2019t give up.
      \nThis is similar to the caregiver\u2019s journey through Alzheimer\u2019s. All the lessons above hinge on focus: Stay the course, keep on keeping on. God will supply what you need. And then, when the journey is over, we\u2014you and I\u2014still have a job to do.
      \nThroughout Scripture, God asks, \u201cWhat is in your hand?\u201d Moses had a stick, and he used it to part the Red Sea. David had a slingshot and five smooth stones, and he used them to slay Goliath. The little boy had five loaves and two fish, and Jesus took them and fed over five thousand people. And he asks us today, \u201cWhat is in your hand?\u201d What will you do with the lessons you learned and the growth you experienced in the Alzheimer\u2019s valley?
      \nFor me, writing this book is my gift to the Alzheimer\u2019s world. I pray that through reading about my experience, others will be encouraged and strengthened.
      \nJenifer\u2019s mother, Linda, died of Alzheimer\u2019s disease in 2012. Jenifer and her mom loved to go out to eat, but as the disease took over Linda\u2019s mind, eating out was too much for her. Jenifer now hosts \u201cLinda\u2019s Lunches\u201d at her restaurant, The Red Raven, in honor of her mother. Caregivers and loved ones with Alzheimer\u2019s come together for lunch on the first Saturday of each month. There they enjoy fellowship and socialization.
      \nJenifer is also the founder of \u201cPurple Table Reservations.\u201d When you call the restaurant and request a Purple Table Reservation, the host knows you are coming with an Alzheimer\u2019s patient. Upon arrival, you will be seated in a quiet area of the restaurant, away from the TV, and near the restroom. Your server, trained to care for an Alzheimer\u2019s individual, will carefully explain the menu and give attentive service. Jenifer is \u201cdoing her job\u201d with what has been placed in her hand.
      \nWhat about you? When this portion of your journey is complete, what will be in your hand? What will you do with the gifts He has given you? A lesson learned by trusting God for the beginning, middle, and end.<\/p>\n

      It\u2019s All about Love<\/h3>\n

      We usually think of love as a two-way street, but as Bob retreated deeper into his own world, he was unable to show his love. I would hug him, but he wouldn\u2019t hug me back. He no longer spoke the words of love that had been such a natural part of our relationship. Love now felt like a one-way street. Yet, showing Bob my love brought me joy. Love is not about what I get, it\u2019s about what I am willing to give.
      \nTo my friends caring for a loved one who may not be as pleasant as you think Bob was, please understand that he certainly had his moments. I learned early on that living in his \u201cDisney World\u201d was far easier than trying to correct him when he became agitated or downright fresh. If he believed that green was red and up was down, that was the final answer. I had nothing to prove to Bob except that I loved him and he was safe with me.
      \nThis is what it\u2019s all about.<\/strong> As I reflect on my journey with Bob through the valley of Alzheimer\u2019s disease, I know that God walked with me (with us) through it all. Yet He didn\u2019t force me to acknowledge His presence and guidance, to lean on Him for every breath I took and every decision I made, to trust Him through it all. He didn\u2019t force me to love Him during those dark, difficult, and seemingly impossible seasons. Nevertheless, my love for Him brought\u2014brings\u2014Him joy.
      \nGod is the only One who knew the twists and turns of our uncertain road. And He is the only One who can now heal the sadness of Bob\u2019s absence. The implications of this truth are new and remarkable, and they give me hope. A lesson I learned by giving my love with no expectation of anything in return.
      \nWhat was the totality of the lessons I learned during that season? That I didn\u2019t have to make plans, that I didn\u2019t have to know what the next year would bring, that I didn\u2019t have to cling to the dreams of what I had thought life would be but would rather cling to the truth that God knew, and that was sufficient. This perspective brought me a new freedom.
      \nMy journey had begun with a single step. And as I ponder, even today, my identity, my life, and my journey, I am reminded that \u201cGod is taking care of me\u201d and I\u2019m \u201ca pretty girl.\u201d
      \nI shared this prayer in my first article, and I’d like to circle back to it again, in closing.<\/p>\n

      A Prayer to Guide You<\/h3>\n

      Dear Lord, I thank You for Your constant companionship, for walking with me through the valley of the shadow of death, and for bringing me out into Your light. Thank You for blessing me with the freedom to trust You, to lean on You, and to receive Your loving care each moment. When I felt I couldn\u2019t go on a minute longer, You carried me until I received strength again. When I wept, You reminded me that \u201cYou keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book\u201d (Psalm 56:8, nlt). There truly is no one like You, and I love You with all my heart. Amen.<\/p>\n

      \n

      You have just read an excerpt from the book,\u00a0In the Lingering Light: Courage and Hope for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver<\/a>\u00a0<\/em>by Cynthia Fantasia. Read the first chapter here<\/strong><\/a>. Or buy at NavPress.com<\/a> or your favorite retailer.
      \n      \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      by Cynthia Fantasia, author of\u00a0In the Lingering Light: Courage and Hope for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver This is the last article in a three-part series on Alzheimer’s caregiving. In the past few weeks, I have shared thirteen lessons I learned (and … <\/p>\n

      Read moreLessons Learned from an Alzheimer’s Caregiver – Part Three<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":6868,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[40,138,156,274,476,543],"yoast_head":"\nLessons Learned from an Alzheimer's Caregiver - Part Three - The Disciplemaker<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2019\/07\/lessons-learned-from-an-alzheimers-caregiver-3\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lessons Learned from an Alzheimer's Caregiver - Part Three - The Disciplemaker\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"by Cynthia Fantasia, author of\u00a0In the Lingering Light: Courage and Hope for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver This is the last article in a three-part series on Alzheimer’s caregiving. 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