{"id":9213,"date":"2021-06-29T11:04:32","date_gmt":"2021-06-29T16:04:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thedisciplemaker.org\/?p=9213"},"modified":"2021-06-29T11:04:32","modified_gmt":"2021-06-29T16:04:32","slug":"where-shame-starts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2021\/06\/where-shame-starts\/","title":{"rendered":"Where Shame Starts"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\"><\/div>\n<p>Our first and most important battleground against shame? Childhood. Shame is transmitted primarily through shame-based family systems. If our child hearts receive the parental love we\u2019re created for, we flourish\u2014and begin to be drawn to an even Greater Love that will fill us \u201cwith all the fullness of God\u201d (Ephesians 3:19, nrsv). But if the love we desperately need is absent, love\u2019s opposite\u2014shame\u2014immediately occupies love\u2019s place in our spirit. <\/p>\n\n\n<p>Even as infants, something inside us begins to shrivel and die. In fact, neurobiologists tell us that a baby can feel the impact of love\u2014or unlove\u2014as early as the third trimester in the womb.<a href=\"#_edn1\">[i]<\/a> If parents struggle to know the<a href=\"\/ever-question-gods-love-for-you\/\"> love of God<\/a>, all they have left to give is shame, in its various deadly forms. We cannot give away what we haven\u2019t received. Psychologist Robert Karen says it plainly: \u201c[Shame] is frequently instilled at a delicate age, as the result of the internalization of a contemptuous voice, usually parental.\u201d<a href=\"#_edn2\">[ii]<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet\"><p class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet__text\"><br \/>Most often, children absorb shame\u2019s \u201ccontemptuous voice\u201d from our own unhealed shame embedded in the way we discipline.<\/p><a class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet__twitter-btn\" href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/share?&amp;text=%3Cbr%3EMost%20often%2C%20children%20absorb%20shame%E2%80%99s%20%E2%80%9Ccontemptuous%20voice%E2%80%9D%20from%20our%20own%20unhealed%20shame%20embedded%20in%20the%20way%20we%20discipline.&amp;url=https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/where-shame-starts\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Tweet<\/a><\/blockquote>\n\n\n<h2>Shame-Based Parenting<\/h2>\n\n\n<p>Performance-based parenting, lack of affection, emotional distance\u2014all can download shame into our children. But most often, children absorb shame\u2019s \u201ccontemptuous voice\u201d from our own unhealed shame embedded in the way we discipline. One Sunday when the girls were little, I preached a sermon on shame and asked Andrea and Leigh Anne to role-play with me. In the first service, I played the loud, finger-pointing, angry, shaming dad, and Andrea was stellar as the victimized daughter. It was great fun, our community loved it\u2014and the spiritual point was driven home. <\/p>\n\n\n<p>The second service was a different story. About five minutes into our role-play, as I stood tall over five-year-old Leigh Anne, glaring angrily, raising my voice in dismissive shame .&nbsp;.&nbsp;. my precious little girl looked up at me, eyes brimming with tears, and said, \u201cDaddy, I don\u2019t want to do this anymore.\u201d I immediately dropped to my knees, took her in my arms, and choking back repentant sobs whispered, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, baby. I\u2019m so sorry. We\u2019re done.\u201d Our Sunday-morning \u201cdrama\u201d had become, in Leigh Anne\u2019s mind, a reenactment, triggering memories of my real-life, shame-based parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n<h2>The Redemptive Power of Love<\/h2>\n\n\n<p>Thankfully, because of the healing work of Jesus Christ in my life, my girls received not only shame but a great deal of the Father\u2019s love over the course of their childhood. On Father\u2019s Day three years ago, my grown-up Caroline wrote, \u201cWhen I think of you, Dad, I think of love. You\u2019ve taught me so much over the years .&nbsp;.&nbsp;. but what stands out most to me is how you\u2019ve been a consistent and pure example of love\u2014loving one\u2019s self, loving others, and receiving the love of Jesus.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n<p>When I first read her words, I thought, Sweetie, thanks, but you must be mistaken. Don\u2019t you remember when you were three and I shamed you over the spilled juice box? Or when you were ten and I wouldn\u2019t let you get off the couch until you prayed out loud in our family prayer time? Or when you were sixteen and I shouted you down at the kitchen table for being so stubborn? Because that\u2019s what I remember. It\u2019s the nature of shame to focus on failure as proof that \u201cI\u2019m a loser.\u201d But once more, Peter\u2019s words ring powerfully true: \u201cLove will cover a multitude of sins\u201d (1&nbsp;Peter 4:8). As I continued to battle my own shame through the love of Christ, his redeeming love began to slowly transform my parenting and even <a href=\"\/how-to-parent-the-child-inside-you\/\">heal past shame damage <\/a>in Caroline\u2014so that what she remembers most today is how much I loved her.<\/p>\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet\"><p class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet__text\">No matter where you find yourself, you can respond to the Father\u2019s voice as he says, \u201cSon, daughter\u2014you don\u2019t need to live this way anymore. I love you. Let me begin to heal you and set you free.\u201d<\/p><a class=\"wp-block-coblocks-click-to-tweet__twitter-btn\" href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/share?&amp;text=No%20matter%20where%20you%20find%20yourself%2C%20you%20can%20respond%20to%20the%20Father%E2%80%99s%20voice%20as%20he%20says%2C%20%E2%80%9CSon%2C%20daughter%E2%80%94you%20don%E2%80%99t%20need%20to%20live%20this%20way%20anymore.%20I%20love%20you.%20Let%20me%20begin%20to%20heal%20you%20and%20set%20you%20free.%E2%80%9D&amp;url=https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/where-shame-starts\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Tweet<\/a><\/blockquote>\n\n\n<p>So, if you\u2019re a parent, be encouraged. If the love of Jesus Christ can do this in me\u2014one of the most shame-based dads I\u2019ve ever met\u2014he can do this in and through you. Your parenting journey isn\u2019t about perfection but gut-level honesty about where you are with shame right now. No matter where you find yourself, you can respond to the Father\u2019s voice as he says, \u201cSon, daughter\u2014you don\u2019t need to live this way anymore. I love you. Let me begin to heal you and <a href=\"\/silent-sufferers-its-time-to-ditch-the-shame\/\">set you free<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\" \/>\n\n\n<p><a href=\"#_ednref1\">[i]<\/a> Allan N. Schore, The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy (New York: Norton, 2012), 383, 399; and Simon Books, \u201c20 Things Unborn Baby Can Feel during Pregnancy (that Moms Should Know),\u201d BabyGaga.com, May 3, 2019, https:\/\/www.babygaga.com\/20-things-unborn-baby-can-feel-during-pregnancy-that-moms-should-know\/.<\/p>\n\n\n<p><a href=\"#_ednref2\">[ii]<\/a> Robert Karen, \u201cShame,\u201d Atlantic Monthly (February 1992): 40\u201370, http:\/\/www.empoweringpeople.net\/shame\/shame.html.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author\"><figure class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author__avatar\"><img class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author__avatar-img\" src=\"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/wp-content\/uploads\/BUTCHER-Author-Photo-bordered.png\" alt=\"Kevin Butcher\" \/><\/figure><div class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author__content\"><span class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author__name\">Kevin Butcher<\/span><p class=\"wp-block-coblocks-author__biography\">was a lead pastor for 35 years\u2014the last 17 in urban Detroit\u2014and is now the founder and executive director of Rooted Ministries, Inc., a nonprofit designed to come alongside isolated, wounded, discouraged pastors and their families. Butcher is the author of<em> Choose and Choose Again: The Brave Act of Returning to God\u2019s Love<\/em> (NavPress, 2016) and <em>Free: Rescued from Shame-Based Religion, Released Into the Life-Giving Love of Jesus<\/em> (NavPress 2021). He has written numerous articles and has shared the message of the Father\u2019s love in 12 different countries.<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-button\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link\" href=\"\/tag\/kevin-butcher\/\">More from Kevin<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bit.ly\/3doaZA0\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img src=\"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/wp-content\/uploads\/Free_3D-833x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8926\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Our first and most important battleground against shame? Childhood. Shame is transmitted primarily through shame-based family systems. If our child hearts receive the parental love we\u2019re created for, we flourish\u2014and begin to be drawn to an even Greater Love that &#8230; <\/p>\n<p class=\"read-more-container\"><a title=\"Where Shame Starts\" class=\"read-more button\" href=\"https:\/\/www.navpress.com\/sites\/thedisciplemaker\/2021\/06\/where-shame-starts\/#more-9213\">Read more<span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Where Shame Starts<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":9214,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":""},"categories":[9,11],"tags":[212,307],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Where Shame Starts | The DiscipleMaker<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Performance-based parenting, lack of affection, emotional distance\u2014all can download shame into a child. 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