“I don’t know what I believe anymore. I don’t even know if I’m a Christian,” Jack* admitted.
What? Momentarily stunned, I stared at the shadowed face of my beloved husband. Was this the man I fell in love with a Bible college so many years ago? I wondered. The first time we’d met, Jack had just returned from a summer of helping missionaries in Europe, and his vibrant faith attracted me even more than his blond good looks. We were both certain God had brought us together, and together we would serve Him. Now my casual query about why he’d decided to quit teaching Sunday school had unleashed a torrent of doubts and despair far greater than I’d imagined possible. The recent deaths, less than a year apart, of our young niece and the daughter of close friends had shane us both, but I’d assumed Jack was coping fairly well. His words showed me that the girls’ death had hit him harder than I thought.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Jack explained. “How could a loving God allow those little girls to suffer so long just to let them die? Were our prayers worth anything? I can’t trust a God who would do that!
“And I’m not sure I believe the Bible, either,” he continued. “A good God would never order the annihilation of entire nations. How is He better than Hitler?” We stared at each other for a moment, and then he turned and walked out the door. I sat in shock, unable to move. As I trembled on the shoreline of his uncertainty, my faith in us crumbled beneath waves of fear.If you are experiencing a similar heartache, perhaps my story will offer you renewed hope and purpose. I cannot pretend to have the answers that would erase your loved one’s doubts; I can only share what God has been teaching me about a faith and hope that can withstand and even grow alongside the doubts. But before I could learn the les- sons God had for me, I had to realize the futility of following my own inclinations.
Frantic and Frustrated
My first inclination, I am ashamed to admit, was to run away— away from Jack, his doubts, and my fears. My beloved had become a stranger; I didn’t know how to cope. I wasn’t sure I could love a man who had turned his back on God. I had no plan, no destination. I simply wanted to escape. Jack’s doubts seemed to destroy the foundation of our relation- ship. As I drove to the grocery store the morning after our conversation, I remembered Jack telling me years before that the first time we’d met, he’d sensed God say to him that I would be his wife. I wondered what he’d done with that memory. Another scene flashed into my mind: our pastor explaining, as we stood at the altar, that marriage was like a triangle with God as the apex. When we grew closer to God, he’d promised, we would grow closer to one another. As I parked the car, I’d never felt more distant from my husband. For several days I rode the roller coaster of indecision. Stay in this unexpectedly uncertain marriage or go?
Stay? Or go? But even in my confusion I knew I didn’t want to inflict on our grown children the pain of a divorce or separation. And the vows I’d made on our wedding day would not let me go. My second inclination followed immediately: I would stay, but not complacently. There must be something I could do to relight the pilot light of Jack’s faith. I voraciously read apologet- ics books and battered Jack with arguments. I buried him under books he had no desire to read. I left my Bible open to passages I was sure would touch his soul. I did everything I could think of, but it didn’t seem to matter. Nothing I tried helped. It took nearly a year of frustrated efforts, but I finally gave up. I had failed. Jack no longer attended church, so I found it easier to stay home too. He wouldn’t pray with me, and my solitary prayers were mostly litanies of self-pity and complaint.
God’s promises seemed to mock me, so my Bible gathered dust. My husband and I lived together, but I felt abandoned.
“What now, Lord?” I whispered. My frantic soul had finally quieted enough to listen. And that’s where my Savior met me.
Just Love
It was a dreary winter day when I once again heard God’s voice in my heart. I was at home alone, feeling sorry for myself, when I sensed the strong, loving arms of my heavenly Father enveloping me.
“Fear not,” He whispered, “trust in Me.”
“But what about Jack?” I questioned. “His doubts are consuming him. What am I supposed to do?”
“Your job is to love him,” came the answer. “Leave the rest to Me.”
Just love him? Without strings attached? Allowing him to doubt and see my doubts? Could I do that? Not on my own. In my misery over Jack ’s loss of faith, I had somewhat proudly identified with Jeremiah in the suffering he experienced for being faithful among the faithless people of God. Now I eagerly retrieved my Bible from the bottom shelf of the bookcase and read,
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
—Lam. 3:21-26
The passage talked of hope, love, compassion, faithfulness. I realized that even through that year of fruitless fear God had showered me with His gracious gifts, just as He had done my entire life. But when Jack needed those gifts most, I’d greedily kept them to myself. I had nearly given up hope for his faith. My love had been conditional in so many ways. My compassion was in short supply, and I had been the one who’d considered leaving the marriage. And I definitely had not been waiting quietly. God’s Word burned in my heart as I realized how dark my response had been. I, who had received so much grace, had been unwilling to share it with the one I called beloved.
“O Lord, forgive me!” I cried. “Teach me to trust. Teach me to love.”
I began to recall the qualities in my husband that had drawn me to him. His strength of character, his honesty, his work ethic, his tenderness, his intelligence, his faithfulness—these were integral to his being. Yes, I could love this man. But doing so has required some changes.
Letting Go
First, I’ve had to let go of my desire to make everything right. Instead of attempting to manipulate Jack back to faith, I have to trust God to work in his heart. This trusting is an ongoing process. I easily slip back into “control mode.” However, I am slowing learning that I am not responsible for anyone else’s relationship with God. My responsibility is to love, trust, and obey—period.
I’ve also had to release my demands that Jack fix himself. I no longer ask him to pray with me (but I continue to hope that he will reach out to the only One who has what his flickering faith requires). His church attendance is entirely up to him; sometimes he comes with me, but often he does not. I continue to read apologetics books and study God’s Word, but I don’t expect him to follow my example. Some days I still get frustrated when it seems Jack isn’t making any effort to find answers to his questions. But this is between him and God. His misery affects us both, but Scripture reminds me that I am to “be merciful to those who doubt”
(Jude 1:22) and show him the kind of love that “always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:7).
Finally, I’ve had to let go of my demands on God. At first, I assaulted Him constantly, insisting that He correct the situation. I didn’t want to wait; I had no desire to learn from this trial. I just wanted things back the way they had been. Now! I need this now! was my attitude. I was like a small child in the backseat of the car, crying because the journey is too long. I had to relinquish to Almighty God my need for a speedy end to this trip through doubt and fear.
After struggling to control what I never really could, what a relief it has been to let go! Not that it’s easy now. I still have days of distress, like the day I realized I might never see my husband’s faith reignite. But as I seek to give control continually to God, I find encouragement in Phil. 3:12:Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Grabbing God
After letting go, I’ve had to latch on to the fact that God is good, and He is in control. The goodness of God is a critical part of my husband’s doubts, and those doubts compel me to make certain of the validity of my faith. I may not completely understand why God allows some things to happen. (For instance, why did God let those precious little girls suffer and die? Why would a good God allow—even order—the destruction of whole nations? Why hasn’t God yet drawn my husband back to faith?) But His Word does hold some clues, and it assures me about God: “You are good, and what you do is good” (Ps. 119:68).
As I cling to God’s goodness, I am also holding on to His promise never to leave or forsake us (Josh. 1:5, for example). I felt utterly forsaken when Jack confessed we were no longer united in faith. But those feelings forced me to see how deeply my faith and relationship with God were dependent on Jack’s and how wrong that was. I still don’t enjoy going to church functions on my own, and I miss praying and talking about things of God with Jack. But God is generous enough to make up for anything I lack. Through His Word, He speaks love, hope, and peace to my fragile heart, and He assures me that He cares for my husband far more than I ever could.
I am also holding on to God’s promises for us. I believe that both Jack and I are engraved on the palms of His hands (Is. 49:16). God’s Word also tells me that “a bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out” (Is. 42:3). Jack’s faith has been bruised by his doubts, and mine was singed by my self-centeredness, so this promise is especially precious. It has been more than three years since my husband revealed the depth of his doubts. Even though he has not returned to faith, I am confident that Almighty God is in control. I continue to pray for Jack, but I no longer demand that God change the situation. Instead my petitions more often echo David’s in Ps. 138:8: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands.”
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
THE AUTHOR of this article leads women’s Bible studies at her church. She wrote this article because, “my initial reaction to my husband’s difficulties could have doomed my marriage and my faith. Instead, God graciously led me—in the depth of my fears—to a place of deeper trust in Him.”
Used by permission of Discipleship Journal magazine. Copyright © 2007, Issue 160, The Navigators. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. www.navpress.com.
Thank you for sharing. I am going through something really similar and would like to talk with the author – how do I reach out?
Hi Connie, glad you liked the article. Unfortunately, this article was originally posted in Discipleship Journal and we don’t have a record of the author for the original.
I am also thankful for this article and comments because I feel less alone and know that hurt I feel is valid. I too have watched my wife walk away from God after trauma of losing our daughter almost a decade ago. The carnal, hypocritical, legalistic Christianity she has observed has driven her to see it as just another system programming people and a untrustworthy one. She also came to not believe the God she explained from the Bible was a God she wanted or could believe in.
The ironic thing is the similarity in these stories where the persons walking away are those who have been significantly involved in the gospel: Bible school, missionary trips, leading /teaching in churches. I wish I could say I know what it all means.
One thing I do know is I love God and I love her. And loving God I should love her all the more because he loves her. I agree with the advice of 1 Cor 7 on believing spouses with the believing that it’s a good thing to stay with them as long as they are willing. I don’t want to lose her and I want to try to make this work. It takes compromise and making that while keeping the heart and soul of my faith and life the challenge. I have hope in God that he will guide me
This is the same problem I am having too. What else can you do but love your husband when he feels lost? It’s a disruptive feeling to realize that you are not on the same wave-length as the one you love. But you must remember their good qualities and what drew you to him in the first place. Then just pray that your loved one reaches out to the One who loves him most.
This is the same problem I am going through as well. This article has helped a lot. I will remember to be patient and loving, to put the situation in God’s mighty hands, to pray, and to draw strength through God’s Word.
My husband has just told me that he has lost his faith and my heart is breaking. I don’t feel angry but desperately sad. We are in the process of being approved for adoption and it feels like our whole foundation has been shaken. I know what I need to do but it is incredibly hard when I can’t see through the emotions.
I feel you girl. I have a hard time with deep sadness and continuing on with grace and mercy. I feel like it’s easier to just shut down. I’m praying for you. How did it go?
I’m so sorry to read that Helen, that must be so hard and sad… I’m going through the same with my husband (no children yet) and this article and the comments have been life giving! I hope you are being fulfilled by God’s love, faithfulness and peace, and you can see your husband at God’s feet in repentance and worship soon, for His Glory and your joy in Him!
Hi, I wrote a comment yesterday but I made the mistake of putting my entire name and I’d like to delete it or edit it. Please your help, thank you.
We have edited your name.
I literally googled “ what to do when your husband loses his faith “ and stumbled upon this article. My husband has a masters of divinity and and additional masters of Hebrew Bible and ancient near east. He spent close to 10 years preparing to be a minister then an Old Testament professor. Through a long list of events he was not able to complete his PhD in Hebrew Bible and ancient near east to become a professor and when his calling fell apart, his faith crumbled. He calls it deconstruction and how he had to break down his former belief system to build a new one, but a new one is not there. In its place is a deep depression and searching for answers other places like triathlon groups and even a whiskey club. He says groups are all the same whether it’s a group of athletes or church members. he once led couples bible studies and loved sharing knowledge and experiences he has while living in Israel, now he never talks of those things. I struggle to watch him fill up how life with things that won’t satisfy and it angers me that he doesn’t lead our 3 boys 2 of which are school age in anything other than morality lessons. Thank you for sharing, I’m joining a women’s group at church tomorrow and am letting go of the idea of him using his gifts and education to bless others.
I am going through this same thing. My husband just revealed to me that he is questioning his faith and that he doesn’t believe the Bible to be word for word factual. He’s struggling with why bad things happen to innocent people (such as parents killing their children). He revealed to me that he thought I was brainwashed and narrow minded by what I was brought up to believe. He says that if I was born somewhere else by other parents I’d believe something completely different and who are we to tell others their religion is wrong. I am just so beside myself because this is not the man I married. We read the Bible together, attended church, prayed together and it has slowly dwindled which I have slipped away to my fierce commitment to God. If anything this makes me want to get back on track and grasp God like I never have before. It scares me to think that my husband has become lost. I stumbled across this article and it makes me feel good to know I’m not alone. I will have to learnt to be patient like the Author of this.
You just described my situation word for word, but with my wife of 6 years. She told me a couple of months ago that she hasn’t believed in three years and just now told me and I’ve been a wreck ever since. It’s like being married to completely different person. I love her but don’t know who she is anymore. I’ve been told by those around me to keep loving her the best I can. I’ve been going to therapy, but I am a mental and emotional mess. BUT my relationship with God has become stronger and I am closer than I ever have been before. It’s very difficult to put trust in him with this situation, but I don’t know what else to do. We even have a little girl together. Definitely the hardest life trial I’ve ever been put through in my life and I’m only 27. But everything you mentioned is pretty much word for word of what she told me. Truly heartbreaking. You are not alone.
This is what happened with my father and mother. She’s been praying for him for 26 years. His unfaithfulness turned to physical abuse towards her and us kids. The abuse turned to drug addiction, theft, adultery, the list goes on. She’s done nothing but pray and teach us children to love God. I am married to my high school sweetheart. We now have a baby and as if looking in a mirror, my husband has turned from faith, committed adultery, filed for divorce, and turned to drugs. Do I continue to pray? It’s so hard to tell myself to be still and pray for him when my mother’s prayers haven’t seemed to be answered. Maybe God’s answer to her is no? I’ve heard that’s possible.
I, too, am going through a similar situation. I keep hoping that it’s ‘just a phase’, but I’m quickly realizing that we all have our own spiritual journeys. My husband and I received a word and my husband desperately tried to make it happen on his own (which was not the word– it was that God would do it). It has blown up in his face over and over again and he is stuck in a place of self-loathing and being angry at God. He had the best of intentions– seeing the word come to fruition. And because he had good intentions, he felt like God should have blessed his efforts. He feels abandoned by God and like God genuinely doesn’t care about him or want good things for him. He has always struggled with melancholy, but his raw emotions can feel overwhelming and his struggle in faith cuts to the core. His cutting remarks towards God and faith can feel like a personal attack– as though his desperation for me to understand just how hurt he is, leaves me as collateral damage. We’re leaders in the church and he refuses to talk about it to anyone, leaving me to process this on my own, or to betray his confidence.
I’m in the same boat except my husband is wanting a divorce after 17 years. He admitted his heart went to cold to God after we lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks a few years ago. He admitted his heart started to go cold to me too when he started shutting God out. Our marriage was built on our faith. We’ve been through a lot of low points in our marriage hut we kept going. He used to be in ministry, led bible studies, etc.. I’ve struggled too with trying to control things, purposefully leave things around, listen to things purposefully around him…and God keeps telling me to Be Still. I may end up a single mom at the end of this but I know I’ll have my relationship with the Lord and strong family support. It’s heartbreaking.
Thank you for this article. It helped me. I’m the questioning/non-churchgoing one in my marriage. Not to put words in his mouth, but my understanding is my husband feels like he can’t live a full, spiritual life(going to church, discussions about faith etc) and I’m the reason for it. I have a lot of religious trauma in my past and at this time I’m still dealing with it. I try to explain that for me it would be like asking a person terrified of snakes to visit a reptile house at the zoo but I’m sure to a person more assured of their faith that’s not a good enough reason. But it’s mine. I don’t know if he’s just using me as an excuse for him not actively pursuing the path God wants for him, or not. That’s why I don’t like religious discussions; I feel like no matter what I’m the problem. I’m the problem because I’m not trying to work on my questions about my faith enough to please him. But I am happy and for the first time in my life I feel good about my faith. But I guess that’s not enough. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. We had an argument earlier, and reading this helped me feel less alone. And thanks for addressing the fear of the spouse immediately wanting to leave; it’s always up front in my mind when we argue about this.
Wow, hi ladies…thankyou you all for sharing your stories.
I am also struggling with this topic in my marriage. My husband and I were drawn to each other because of our God, our values were very similar and we both grew up in a church family home. He was a worship leader, his brother a pastor, his sister a bible study leader. He went on missionary trips and bible school…. about 4 years ago he started questioning the bible… wondering why we call jesus jesus and not Emanuel or Joshua… wondering why the bible is missing certain stories… he is confused about who God is…as there is so many different gods… he is convinced that the Romans have manipulated the bible… he believes that the one world order is going to come into place. He is convinced that the covid virus is the first sign that the beast is returning… I hate this conversation with him because he throws curve balls and asks questions that my only answer and response is to have faith and not all things can be seen but we have to just believe in our God… its hard but thankyou for your article ill try and remember to just love him 💗
Thank-you for this article. I have been going through this battle with my husband for over a year. We don’t talk about it much and he even will go to church with me. I start to believe we are doing well. Then I will make a statement about God’s love and faithfulness and his retort is how can a loving God let children suffer and die. And then he talks about the contradictions in the Bible. I feeling he’s attacking my fatih. Hes a different person, very angry.
He has personally seen God’s hand in my life. Our lives. None of it matters anymore. Like most everyone else, I thought we would grow old together in our faith.
I wanted to leave recently. He attacked my faith and beliefs again. That was after we had went to church together. I am confused and I am starting to think that going to church together isnt a good idea.
This was just what I needed to read this morning. My husband recently told me that he gave up trying to answer his questions about Christianity and make everything fit together; that he’s lost his faith. I asked him last night if he’s an atheist, but he says he doesn’t believe in God, but can’t know for sure, so no. I guess there’s a difference?
We met at a Bible college and both wanted to be involved in ministry or missions. Though those things didn’t work out and there were many hurdles in our marriage, I at least always felt like we were on the same team. Now I feel abandoned and alone. He doesn’t seem to be the same person I thought I married. So many fears plague me- how will our marriage last? How will we raise our three children? What kind of person will he become?
It’s so hard to go to church alone, to be asked where my husband is, what to tell the kids, and to hear all his doubts/arguments against the faith. I never would have imagined to be in this place and I’m praying hard and clinging to God, begging Him to help me to hang on too.
I really feel for you! I came here looking for comfort as my husband told me at the weekend he doesn’t think there is enough evidence that God is real, he is no longer convinced the Bible is true or trustworthy and thinks his Christian upbringing is just another worldview. It really shocked me, but then on reflection I can clearly see how the past few years he has been drifting from the truth, not holding on. I guess I presumed it was a “dry patch” in his faith and God is still holding him… but the fear of him not coming back to faith is huge.
There are so many questions, I feel just the same as you. There is a very long road ahead. But God is faithful.
Just a note; Atheists believe that there absolutely is no God. Agnostics believe we cannot know for sure whether God is there or not. I’m fairly well-versed in Christian apologetics (as is my husband!), but this article reminded me that’s not what he needs right now. He needs my love.
Thank you for this article. Like many commenters here I too found this looking for answers and have found comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone. Although my struggle began from different circumstances the effect of feeling so separated from my husband is the same. I came to faith in my late fifties and my husband reluctant at first seemed to eventually be open to exploring faith. However, his journey clearly keeps him in the distance where he wants it at arm’s length. I long to share a spiritual life with him and have strong doubts it will ever happen. How does one continue to love and support the person you chose to spend your life with when this really important part of my life has emerged (finally God reached me) and he is unavailable, distanced. Thank you for the comments and reminders this is God’s timing. I hear that and believe it yet feel so lonely in my marriage at the same time. Prayer helps yet I slump into frustration when he needs help and flounders, is lost and I struggle to not feel his pain. I have joined bible studies at times and find value in that fellowship. I pray my journey and those here who share in this struggle can grow like this author and lean into her last quote:
“my petitions more often echo David’s in Ps. 138:8: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands.”
Today I cried why this is happening to me when everibody else have the perfect christian marriage. Comming here and read through the article and the comments, I am shocked how many of us go throuh the same exact situation! I am so sorry for everybody who experience this… It is comforting to know I am not alone. I am living through the same.. my husband after discappointed in christians started to slowly move away from his faith and started to change. He become negative, bitter, angry many times. When I am talking about God he say: This is importand for you. Now he is saying it is not something that matter to him. He even attacked my faith as well the other night. I feel as many of you sad that it’s like he is not the person I married, he was kind, serving humble, loved the Lord and wanted to serve and build our marriage on Him. I don’t know how to move forward, have kids etc… But I know the Lord is with me and He will provide. I am planing to stay but it is hard to live with the posiibility of things will stay the same and I will be alone in the battle.
I have been experiencing this. All of this. My wife of over 20 years. 5 kids. And she has left God. I love Jesus with all my heart. I’m crying every day as I feel a very deep void now.
Today I add my name to the tragic list of kindred comments.
My husband (of 12 years) has turned his back on his faith in Jesus and is getting so full of the world that it spills out of him and onto me and our children.
I was previously in a long-term relationship in my younger years, with a non-believer, and God called me away from from that and rescued me from descending deeper into sin. I never wanted to be in the same situation again, but here I am, and with children this time.
My story is so similar to the or the original article – to the detail that my husband always believed that God told him I would be his wife.
My husband was a committed and enthusiastic Christian; teaching & preaching at our church, in the worship team, praying, studying & praising with me and the kids. Now I’m having to be the only Godly influence in our house and I’m feeling so overwhelmed and broken.
My dear brothers and sisters, I am here now : wondering if I am supposed to stay married to this person; angry at the deception; questioning why God would allow me to marry him in the first place – did I disobey and ignore God? Broken at the way our children are walking away from God. My heart aches. And breaks again when I read each of your comments.
But we are not alone, ever. And our God is greater than the destroyer. Oh, Father God, lead us according to Your will. Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. Protect us from despair; infuse hope. Help us let go of our plans and dreams. Carry us in our brokenness.