Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships—and How to Get Out

I often hear the question “Why do women stay in abusive relationships?” This question almost always lands judgmentally. It’s as if the person is saying, “You must be stupid for staying in such a toxic relationship.” It’s also a shaming question and a major deterrent that makes it hard for women to seek help and support.

Women stay for a host of reasons. Financially, many women find it too difficult to start over and earn enough income to take care of themselves and in many cases their children as well. Emotionally, women often have a hard time leaving intimate partners when there’s domestic violence. A woman in an abusive relationship may be too afraid to leave. Or maybe she met her partner during a vulnerable time in her life. Perhaps she and her partner grew up together. Or maybe this partner once helped her out in a meaningful way, and she feels indebted to him. Sometimes the emotional entanglement is so profound that women become frozen, unable to remove themselves from the very relationship that is inflicting harm on them.

In some cultures, it’s allowed and acceptable for husbands to beat their wives and emotionally abuse them into submission. I want to challenge these culturally accepted norms and call the people of God to live above culture. Christ is our ultimate example. He is our ultimate guide, and he leads with grace and love, not striving for power and control. No household should follow cultural norms above Christ’s example.

Naming the Signs

Women from all over the world know what love is, what it feels like, and how they should be treated. What often keeps them from expressing those needs is a society obsessed with debasing women while nurturing an atmosphere where violence can flourish. We live in a society obsessed with power and control, and the thought of losing these things often leads to violence. As humans, we are created to respond to love, respect, and compassion in all our relationships.

When I ask women about naming the signs that a relationship is unhealthy and possibly unsafe, this is what they say:

• “You are put down and embarrassed.”
• “Your partner encourages you to stay away from friends and family.”
• “You’re subjected to verbal abuse, name-calling, put-downs, insults, invalidation, and gaslighting.”
• “Your partner takes money from you, makes you ask for money, and hides money and other resources from you.”
• “Your partner controls whom you see, where you go, and what you do.”
• “Your partner looks at you in an intimidating manner.”
• “Your partner intimidates you with weapons.”
• “Your partner threatens to assault you.”
• “Your partner pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or forces you to engage in sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with.”
• “Your partner uses your children against you or threatens to take them away or hurt them.”
• “Your partner forces you to get pregnant or have an abortion.”
• “Your partner physically abuses you by pushing, shoving, punching, or kicking you.”

All over the world, there is great consensus among women about how they don’t want to be treated. They know that violence in a relationship is unjust even when many don’t have the power or resources to get out of those kinds of relationships.

Relationships should be based on mutual love and respect, not power and control. Whenever I teach and counsel on this subject, I usually spend some time asking women to name the values they desire in their relationships.

This is what many of them say they want:

• “Someone who treats me well and is kind.”
• “Someone who looks out for me.”
• “Someone who supports me and encourages me.”
• “Someone who listens to me.”
• “Someone who respects my desires and wishes.”
• “Someone who isn’t afraid of my emotions.”
• “A person who allows me to dream and encourages me to be my true self and go after my dreams.”
• “A true partnership where we make decisions together.”
• “A person who knows the Lord and has a relationship with him.”

A Holistic Approach to Freedom from Violence

For women to receive the help and support they need to live in freedom from violent relationships, we need a holistic approach to the problem. First, we need educational programs that create awareness. Churches, nonprofit organizations, and for-profit organizations must all be educated to break the cycle of silence and shame. They need to be trauma informed and offer resources and options for women experiencing domestic violence.

Second, women need options that will enable them to safely leave violent relationships when they are ready. I’ve learned that the most dangerous day in a woman’s life is the day she decides to leave a violent relationship. Third, we need to advocate for laws that protect women and children from violence and prosecute offenders to keep women safe. Last, we must challenge religious communities to reconsider their use of certain biblical texts that are used to keep women in dangerous relationships. Their rigidity on preserving the family while overlooking violence within the family has proved to be dangerous for women and their children.

God, we call on your name. Hear the prayers of our hearts. Protect and provide for our every need. For women who are stuck and unable to get out of dangerous situations, God, make a way. Be present and speak mightily on their behalf. Make a way, dear God. Show up through friends and unexpected sources to provide the help they need. We trust in your unfailing love and provision. Make a way, oh Lord. Amen.

If you are currently going through some form of domestic violence and are unsafe, I’m sorry.

I grieve with you and for you. You are not alone. I’m sure that at this point you have tried everything you can to create peace and a loving partnership to no avail. Changing your circumstances will be challenging, especially if you have children, and it will involve many steps. But it is not impossible.

The first step is to assess the resources and support your family and community can provide. I understand that not all resources will be safe, but it is important to identify safe people who can help you create a plan to leave this unsafe situation. If you’re unable to leave for financial reasons, or any other reason, create a strategy that will help you and your children live free from violence. Part of that plan must include saving money and concealing it in a private location so that when the time is right, you can leave without fearing insufficient finances. Remember to turn to your community for support during this transition. As a child of God created in his image, you are worthy of love and respect and a relationship that is free from emotional and physical violence.

If you need additional support, I would encourage you to reach out to one of the following organizations:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

National Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-373-7888