Sometimes we know something is wrong, and we fixate on finding a reason for it. And we’re pretty good at coming up with an answer that matches most or all of the symptoms. We can do this with interpersonal problems, or with physical issues, or even when we’re looking at love—of the lack of it—in our own lives.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Is Something Wrong with Me?

When it comes to love, we look at what seems to be broken—where love seems to be missing or unhealthy or unkind—and we add them all up like a math problem. We ask questions like, Why don’t I have more friends? or Why don’t more people love me?

The symptoms vary from person to person. An inability to find a spouse, or to stay in a long-term relationship. Terrible family history. Broken relationships. People who should be loving (a parent, maybe) but are abusive and cruel. Why does it seem like all the people around me secretly dislike me?

Most of us come to a singular conclusion—one that is backed up by romantic comedies and people on the internet and the misguided wisdom of “common knowledge”: If you don’t have love in your life, something is wrong with you.

Now it’s my job to run all the tests and write on my chart and give you the verdict:

It’s not you.

You’re not the reason.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

How Can I Be Sure?

Worse people than you have been loved. People more broken than you have been loved. People who are more cruel, less intelligent, more antisocial, less committed to finding love have been loved.

It’s not your heart, your personality, the way you look, or even the way you act.

That’s not the reason you’re lacking love in your life.

You probably want to argue against that. You want to tell me all your symptoms. You want me to know there’s something broken in the core of you that keeps love away.

To which I can only reply, “It’s not your heart.”

What Does This Mean for Me?

I’m not saying you don’t have room to grow. Who doesn’t? You certainly may be avoiding love, pushing it away, sabotaging it, spitting on it, dodging it.

But it’s not your heart preventing you from being loved.

It’s not your heart preventing you from loving.

The reason you’re struggling with love?

It’s not you.

Love is available to you. Love is accessible. You are not fundamentally separated from love.

It’s not your heart.

Let’s start with that.

Reflection:

What is your internal reaction to the statement that “it’s not your heart”? How do you feel when you’re told that whatever is causing you to be missing love in your life, it’s not because of who you are? Do you find that easy to believe, or difficult? If it is true, what would that mean for your life?

Practice:

Take a piece of paper and write “Ten reasons I am worthy of love” at the top. If you get stuck, put the paper somewhere prominent. Every time you pass it, try to add one thing to the list.

Tomorrow, we’ll learn more about how to recognize love. I am so glad we are on this journey together!

Let’s keep talking on Instagram @mattmikalatos @navpressbooks // Facebook @mattmikalatosbooks @navpresspublishing // #journeytolove