“Where is your brother?” God had asked him.

Cain winced as he remembered his answer, which he had also tried to bury, but like his recurring nightmare, it didn’t stay buried because something deep within wouldn’t allow it.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

God never answered Cain’s question.

When a question like this is raised in the Scriptures and there’s no answer, a long conversation about it will take place, one that spans many generations, many stories, and much conflict. This is comforting, in an odd way, isn’t it? When a brother murders a brother, even in the Bible,  we can’t expect that it will be resolved in a single conversation.

Cain worked the soil, growing fruits and vegetables. Abel tended sheep. When it came time to bring sacrifices to God, Cain brought “some of the fruits of the soil” as an offering. Abel, on the other hand, brought “fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock”. So God considered both offerings, and God approved of Abel’s but not of Cain’s.

Why? This seems capricious. Is this how God will treat people from now on?

There’s some debate about why God rejected Cain’s offering while accepting Abel’s. It seems unlikely that it was about fruits and vegetables versus meat. God seemed to see something in Cain’s offering that was different from Abel’s. Cain’s name means “possession” or “to gain,” while  Abel  means “breath,” “vapor,” or “gentle breeze.” What does it mean that the need to possess can choke out breath? What does it mean that the need to gain something will sometimes overpower those who are gentle?

When Abel chose to give God the fat from his firstborn sheep, he gave God something that was very close to his heart. Abel most likely came to love his sheep, especially the firstborn. Abel was giving God his best—the really good stuff—but I think there’s more to this story than just sheep.

Abel was also giving God something  intimate . When Cain chose to give God  some  of the produce that he grew, he was withholding something, mistrusting God and trusting instead in the produce to provide what was needed. He was more concerned with gaining and possessing, so he gave a lesser gift.

Cain hid, while Abel risked the more vulnerable option of trusting.

What do you seek to possess or acquire that keeps you from intimacy?  Where do you withhold your best—the really good stuff—because of your need to keep gaining more?

If you’re a perfectionist, you’re locking away the really good stuff until you’re sure no one will reject it. You’re attempting to gain more control.

If you’re a workaholic, you have convinced yourself that it’s okay that your kids don’t get the really good stuff from you, because they’ll be taken care of financially. You’re attempting to gain more money.

If you’re addicted to approval, you’ve hidden your true self so well that you can’t find it anymore.  As more people  like  you, you realize that fewer people  love  you, because you’ve never given them anything real to love.

The particular story of Cain and Abel becomes universal when you realize that you can kill off the gentle breeze of intimacy by attempting to possess more while you give less.

I actually feel some empathy for Cain. When you start down the road of acquiring and possessing, it’s hard to turn back. In my attempts to acquire and possess admiration, I have sometimes traded being known and loved for being consumed and admired. It’s easier to write a blog post that gets hundreds of likes on Facebook than it is to risk rejection by saying the hard but true (and private) thing to someone with whom I live or work. But as I hold that emotion and turn it around for a while, an invitation shows up.

Will I risk rejection so that someone else might be made whole?

I get Cain. My desire to succeed, to win approval and admiration, feels a lot like possession.  But it’s hard to be your brother’s keeper when you’re more concerned about being more successful than your bother.

When I learned to hide my disabilities, my strong emotions, and my real voice, I learned to gain success by showing how strong I was, how in control I was, how to adapt my voice to fit whatever was needed, even if it wasn’t even really my voice. I’ve learned to look after my own success, hedging my bets and hiding my true self because it might appear weak or out of control.

Am I my brother’s keeper?  is a defensive question, designed to ensure that the one who asks it can remain in hiding. It’s cloaked in deceit. Cain murdered Abel, and God knew it. Cain was lying to God, but he may have even been lying to himself, unable to even see the length to which he had gone in order to gain, or acquire, for himself.

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You’ve been reading from  Whole: Restoring What’s Broken in Me, You, and the Entire World  by Steve Wiens. Learn more about Whole HERE . Listen to Steve on his podcast  This Good Word  or check out his other book,  Beginnings: The First Seven Days of the Rest of Your Life . This article was originally posted on The Disciple-Maker Blog .